


Hold Me Down

by imaginethat57



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, there is only light supercorp, this is primarily a sanvers fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-09-25 22:24:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9849059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginethat57/pseuds/imaginethat57
Summary: Alex Danvers doesn’t have a problem, does she? Of course not, she’s fine. At least that’s what she keeps telling everyone. But it gets harder and harder for them to believe her as her drinking slowly becomes out of control. Now it’s up to Alex’s family and friends to try and help her through this. And all Alex has to do is let them. Maggie is certainly going to fight tooth and nail, anyways.





	1. Chapter One

There were few times in her life where Maggie Sawyer could say she was happy, truly content. Tonight was one of those nights. She leaned back in her chair and observed the people around her, watching with a lazy smile on her face that had appeared around the time of her third beer. She’d called it quits after that, happy to stay at a contented buzz and no further. Now she was simply musing on just how happy she was finding herself, tonight and these past few weeks truth be told.

She turned her head and felt a swelling crest of emotion in her chest when her eyes touched on the reason why she’d been so blissful lately. Alex Danvers; possibly the most incredible woman she’d ever met. They’d announced their relationship to all of Alex’s friends tonight and Maggie felt the pleasant warmth of relief and the joy of being accepted roll through her. She’d dated closeted girls before, and although she respected the women’s decision not to be open about their sexuality, she couldn’t help feeling like a dirty secret.

But tonight, Alex had proudly declared them as a couple, had invited Maggie to be with her friends, and had spent the night showing her affection. Everyone had been kind and welcoming to Maggie, and the night had passed jovially. After Maggie kicked Winn’s ass at pool, she had challenged James to a game of darts and he had taken her down, unfortunately. The group had then settled in for a couple more rounds of drinks and laughter all around.

Now the night was starting to wind down. Kara and Winn had already gone home, James was talking to a woman at the bar, and J’onn was dozing in his seat. Maggie turned her bright smile to Alex, and when she caught her attention Alex placed a sloppy kiss on Maggie’s cheek. She then threw an arm around Maggie’s shoulders and said, “You’re pretty.”

Maggie chuckled and placed her hand on Alex’s thigh for a moment. She allowed herself to soak up this moment for a little while, leaning into Alex and resting her head on the woman’s shoulder. But she was starting to feel the tug of a long day and a long night pull at her senses, making her drowsy. So she picked her head up.

“I think it’s time we called it a night, huh?” She said as she sat upright once more. As she did so, she noticed just how many empty bottles were on the table. She counted six, one of which she knew to be her last beer. The other five had to be Alex’s. She and Alex were the only one’s drinking beer. She began to count in her mind how many rounds Alex had ordered. At least five, but the bar tender had cleared away some of the bottles earlier. From what she could recall she was fairly certain Alex had had at least ten beers.

Alex was starting to stand now, and Maggie didn’t miss the wobble to her tentative balance. But it also didn’t escape her how remarkably composed Alex was for someone who had drunk so much. If you looked for it you could see the woman was clearly plastered. But Alex wasn’t being very obvious about her drunken state.

The two women bid goodbye to J’onn, Maggie wishing him a good night, and Alex tossing out a slightly slurred “See you later.” Alex tripped over her own feet and stumbled a little as they were heading through the door into the alley entrance of the bar.

Alex slipped her hand into Maggie’s as they walked around the block towards her bike. Maggie squeezed the hand in hers, but pulled Alex to a stop as they approached the motorcycle. She looked Alex up and down and pulled out her cell phone. “No way you’re driving tonight. And I don’t think I’m really good to drive either. I’m calling a cab.” Maggie said as she directed them to a bench nearby.

“’M fine.” Alex grumbled, but her protests ended there. She was beginning to grow sleepy, and Maggie hoped she didn’t pass out before they got back to Alex’s apartment. And though Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall behind them, when the cab pulled up to the curb and Maggie shook Alex’s shoulder, she roused easily. They both climbed into the taxi and settled in for the short drive back to Alex’s place.

Except Alex seemed to be very awake now, because as soon as Maggie had given the driver Alex’s address, Alex began placing clumsy, wet kisses on Maggie’s neck. Her hands began wandering; she wrapped one arm around Maggie’s waist and slid that hand up underneath Maggie’s shirt along her back, while her other hand grabbed her hip.

The driver was smirking at them in the rearview mirror and Maggie’s cheeks were beginning to burn with embarrassment. She gently pulled Alex’s hands off her body and nudged the woman into her own seat. Alex gave her a wounded expression, completely confused as to why her amorous efforts were rebuffed.

“We’re in a cab.” Maggie said in a hushed whisper, trying to impress on Alex that she was very uncomfortable with their audience. Alex looked at her for a moment, staring as though she were trying to sort out a very complex logical conundrum. But eventually she seemed to understand because Alex’s eyes lit up with comprehension and she began nodding her head.

“Gotcha.” Alex said, still nodding her head.

The rest of the ride back to Alex’s apartment passed uneventfully, and when the cab pulled up to the curb in front of her building Maggie pulled out a few bills and paid the man. Thankfully Alex was still awake because Maggie was sure she couldn’t carry the taller woman.

They stepped out of the taxi onto the sidewalk and Alex began fumbling through her pockets to find her keys. After an exhausting search, during which Alex murmured repeatedly, “Damn things where did they go,” to herself, she found them in the inside pocket of her jacket. Maggie followed her into the building and watched as Alex stumbled, losing her composure slowly with each step.

When they reached Alex’s apartment, the woman began her search for her keys anew, and Maggie had to stop her from looking in every pocket again by taking Alex’s wrist and holding up her hand in front of Alex’s face to show her that her keys were still in her hand.

“Oh!” Alex said, and let out a laugh that triggered a couple hiccups to follow as she unlocked the door to her apartment. Maggie closed the door behind her, and no sooner had she done so was Alex all over her again. This time the kisses were falling on her lips, and Maggie couldn’t stop herself from responding. Drunk Alex wasn’t as good a kisser as sober Alex, but it still felt good. But she knew it wasn’t right to keep going, so she pulled away.

Alex was undeterred, however, and continued placing kisses to Maggie’s neck, sucking roughly on her pulse point the way that made Maggie moan every time. And this time was no exception. She could feel Alex’s victorious smirk on her skin at having elicited the sound from Maggie, and she knew she had to stop this now before they went any further.

She took a step away from Alex and tried to catch her breath. Alex wasn’t really understanding, because she followed after Maggie, searching out for contact again. Maggie held her hands up, taking Alex’s in hers and preventing the woman from groping her again.

“Alex, not tonight. You’re drunk off your ass.” Maggie said.

Alex huffed, and actually stamped her foot. “I’m fine.” She insisted.

“I’m sure you’re fine, but I don’t want to have sex tonight.” Maggie said. Alex stopped then, and clasped her hands together in front of herself.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were just trying to be chivalrous because I had some drinks.” Alex whispered and took a step away from Maggie.

“I mean, I am.” Maggie said with a light smile. “Because you didn’t have ‘some’ drinks Alex, you had a lot of drinks. And it just doesn’t really feel right when you’re this drunk.”

Alex crossed her arms petulantly, and said once more, “I’m fine.”

“You’re drunk.” Maggie said again. She paused for a moment before asking, “Why did you drink so much?”

Alex shrugged and flailed her arms in an awkward gesture before replying, “I don’t know. We were celebrating! And I wasn’t the only one drinking.”

“No, but you did kind of overdo it, don’t you think?” Maggie said.

Alex shrugged again, and then began walking towards her bed. As she did so she took off her jacket and dropped it on the floor behind her. Next she lifted her shirt over her head and threw it in the general vicinity of her hamper. Maggie watched as her girlfriend stripped gracelessly, eyebrows raised.

Alex turned around, seemingly unaware of the fact that she was naked, and asked, “Well if you don’t want to have sex, can we cuddle instead?”

Maggie smiled softly, kicking off her boots and pulling off her own jacket. Alex rummaged through her wardrobe and pulled out two very large sweaters. She handed one to Maggie who was now as naked as her and tugged the other on over her head. She then half climbed, half flopped into her bed. Maggie climbed in after her, tucking both of them in under the covers. Alex instantly snuggled up to Maggie when she lay down next to her, and Maggie responded by pulling her closer.

It was mere seconds before Alex was snoring quietly in Maggie’s arms. Maggie closed her eyes and tried to sleep herself. After a night like tonight, and the three beers still in her system she should have fallen asleep quickly, but she found her mind wouldn’t shut off. She’d never seen Alex get quite this drunk, but as she was thinking back, she wasn’t sure if she could remember a time that Alex went light on the drinks when they went out. Maggie had never really noticed before, because Alex had a remarkable alcohol tolerance, unlike herself, and she had always seemed steady and responsible even when tipsy.

Maggie was getting a bad feeling in her gut, but she was also so unsure of so many things that she didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. She decided she had to be overreacting, because the alternative was too scary to consider, and really she had no proof that Alex had any kind of problem. She sighed and pressed her hand over her eyes, hoping sleep would come eventually. And that the niggling feeling of doubt and fear in her mind would settle. It never really did, but eventually exhaustion won out, and sleep took her anyway. She fell into a state of sleep that could hardly be described as restful, but it would have to do. She had a lot to face come morning.


	2. Chapter Two

A ray of sunlight cut through the sliver of space between the curtains and sliced directly into Alex’s brain as she started to become conscious once more. At first she was groggy, her head felt fuzzy and wrong, just like it did every morning she woke up after a night like last night. The bright light was stabbing into her eyeballs and she squeezed her eyelids tight, then pulled a pillow over her face. Her stomach was queasy, but she knew she wouldn’t throw up. She’d gotten too used to beer to throw up from only ten.

_Only ten? Ten is a fucking lot, Alex._ It’s a little voice in her head she’d grown adept to ignoring, and that’s exactly what she did that morning as she fought with the sun forcing her to wake and face the unpleasant sensation of being hungover. Her head was pounding, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle. Some coffee and some aspirin, her usual fix. Her mouth tasted like rotting seaweed, and she sucked her tongue against the back of her top front teeth in reaction to the taste.

A soft hum sounded from her side and she remembered in that moment that Maggie had come home with her last night. Alex turned on her side to face the sleeping woman and she examined her for a moment. Maggie always looked so peaceful when she slept, but not this morning. The planes of her face were crinkled and drawn in in certain places; around the corners of her eyes and across her furrowed brow. Her lips twitched at one corner, and she kept jerking her head minutely, as if trying to shake off a nightmare chasing her brain in sleep.

Alex bit her lip and creased her own brow as she watched Maggie sleep this way. She was remembering more of last night, and she remembered how she’d tried to sleep with Maggie. She also remembered how Maggie had pushed her away and Alex was starting to feel a knot forming in her stomach. She began to fear that Maggie’s tumultuous sleep was her fault, that she’d pushed too far last night. She was trying to put everything into a cohesive timeline. She knew she stopped trying to have sex with Maggie. It was right after Maggie had said she didn’t want sex, that much she was sure of, but what if that still wasn’t soon enough?

Alex also remembered feeling rejected last night. She’d initially thought Maggie was pulling away from her to protect her, protection she didn’t want. And she was right; Maggie didn’t want to have sex because Alex was drunk. She’d said it was because it didn’t feel right. But what if that was to spare Alex’s feelings? What if she was just no longer attracted to Alex?

Alex sat up and buried her head in her knees. There were too many more what if’s swirling around in her brain. What if Maggie didn’t want her anymore? What if she’d made an ass of herself last night by drunkenly groping Maggie? She just hoped she hadn’t ruined this, not yet. Not so soon.

She felt a hand on her back and jumped a little, whipping her head up and to the left to see Maggie, who was eyeing her curiously.

“Sorry,” Maggie rasped, “I didn’t mean to startle you. You just looked…distressed. Are you okay?”

Alex summoned the brightest smile she could find and said, “I’m fine.”

Maggie slowly sat up too, and began rubbing small circles on Alex’s back where her hand still remained. “You must have an awful hangover though.”

Alex shrugged, and nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She kicked the sheets off her legs, and began to stand up. She could feel Maggie watching her, and she knew she wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions, of hiding how insecure she was feeling. And she knew Maggie would call her on it too, if she didn’t find an escape soon.

So she kept smiling and began walking away from the bed that Maggie had also vacated. She was watching Alex with skepticism, and just as she was about to open her mouth, Alex said, “I’m going to take a shower. I know you’ve got to get going so you can get to work on time, so I guess I’ll just see you later?” With that she sped into the bathroom, too fast to have seen Maggie’s stunned expression.

As Alex stepped into the bathroom, she watched herself in the mirror out of the corner of her eye, feeling repulsed by the reflection of the coward she’d just turned herself into. But she knew she couldn’t exactly face this, or Maggie’s questions right now. So she turned on the shower and stepped into the hot spray. She let the water fall over her body and closed her eyes so it could wash down her face as well. She did everything in her power to shut her brain off.

* * *

Alex sipped her coffee as she pushed her way through the doors of the DEO. Her head still ached, but she had gotten pretty good at working through that. She got a lot of headaches.

As she approached the main tech area, she found herself craving another night at the bar. A few drinks would knock this pesky headache out for sure. She groaned as a loud crash sounded from off to the side; someone had dropped a large stack of files. Alex dropped heavily into the nearest chair and rubbed her temples.

“Alex?” A deep voice called to her from her right, and she lifted her head from her hands to face J’onn.

“Hi J’onn.” She plastered on her best smile and mustered as much cheer as she could. Not that anyone would have ever mistaken her for cheery, but she was trying damn it.

J’onn returned her smile, and he nodded by way of acknowledging her greeting. He was giving her a strange look, however, and Alex squirmed under the scrutiny. It was as if he knew something, something she didn’t. Or maybe something she didn’t want him to. Whatever it was, it was making her hairs stand on end. So she did what she did best; evaded the topic.

“I’ve really got to talk to Winn about the Ikteri case, see if he’s had any luck tracking their hideout.” She said, offering up another smile and quickly scooting past where J’onn stood, still observing her with arms crossed over his chest. She could feel his eyes remain on her as she walked over to Winn.

Before she made it to Winn’s seat, something caught her eye. Kara had just walked into the DEO, dressed as Kara Danvers rather than Supergirl. Alex changed course and headed over to Kara. Confused, she tried to remember if today was something special. There were no situations that demanded Supergirl’s attention at the moment, and on a day like today Kara should be working at CatCo.

“Hey, Kara.” She said, calling out to her sister. Kara turned toward the sound and was clearly pleased to have found Alex.

“Hi. Are you ready to go?” Kara said as she drew nearer to Alex, hooking a thumb over her shoulder to point to the door.

“Uh, go?” Alex said, now trying twice as hard to push her still fuzzy brain to catch up to today.

Kara gave her a confused look before filling in Alex’s blank. “Yes, Lillian Luthor’s trial. Metallo is testifying today. Lena could use some friendly faces in the crowd, she’ll be there too.”

“Right, right.” Alex said as she nodded, the memory coming back to her. “Uh, sure. I mean, you know I don’t know Lena Luthor, though, right? She won’t care if I’m there.”

“You’ve met her a couple of times. She remembers you, you saved her life!” Kara said, taking Alex by the hand and dragging them both toward the exit.

“Well, yeah, but it’s not like we talk or anything. I’m far from any kind of support system for her.” Alex insisted, her discomfort growing.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’m her friend, I’m her support system. I just thought it would be nice for her to see your face in the crowd. You don’t have to do anything but be there.” Kara said, and Alex supposed that was that. Kara was already pulling them to the bus stop. In truth she wanted to be present at Lillian Luthor’s trial. It had been a huge DEO case, and ensuring this woman went to jail was just another step in protecting Kara from Cadmus. From anyone.

* * *

The courthouse was crowded, to say the least. Everyone wanted to see how this went down; the press, the police, the public. Kara and Alex sat halfway through the benches in the courtroom, peering over heads to get a decent look at everything going on up front. The noise from the courtroom was ringing in Alex’s ears and making her head throb. She gritted her teeth and did her best not to let it show to Kara, and not to let it turn her cranky. She didn’t want to snap at anyone, especially not Kara.

But Kara wasn’t focusing on Alex at the moment anyway. She kept looking around the courtroom, searching for something, and eventually she must have found it because she stopped scanning the whole room and settled for straining her neck to look to the right and up ahead every few minutes. Alex followed the direction of her stare, and found that Kara was looking at Lena Luthor. She furrowed her brow, not understanding her fascination with the Luthor woman.

She wasn’t sure if she should ask Kara about it, but before she could open her mouth the judge brought his gavel down and called the court to order. Alex flinched in pain at the banging of the gavel, the sound of it pounding in her head with the ache. She ignored Kara’s questioning look at her action.

The proceedings for the day went on relatively uneventfully, until Metallo took the stand. Alex listened as the man ranted and raved, extolling the virtues of Saint Lillian Luthor, savior of the Earth and exterminator of the vermin extraterrestrials. She watched Kara become more and more stoic, and she felt her hand curling into a tight fist. He was hurting Kara with his words, and Alex’s first instinct was to punch him. She wished she still had her kryptonite suit.

As she was fantasizing about punching Metallo into next year, she missed the initial shift in the atmosphere of the room. When she tuned back in, Metallo was standing. He was shouting more of his xenophobic vitriol, and Alex found herself wishing she’d been allowed to bring her gun into the courtroom. When he started reaching to his chest, Alex knew this wasn’t going to end well.

Metallo ripped open his shirt to reveal a kryptonite heart, the room froze for an instant, and then all hell broke loose.


	3. Chapter Three

Everything had erupted into chaos. Lillian Luthor had escaped with the help of Metallo and now the city was in arms; with some screaming for her immediate recapture, and others demanding she be freed to continue her work. Both the DEO and the NCPD were scrambling to find Lillian and Metallo before they enacted whatever dangerous plot they surely had in the works.

This translated into Alex spending her day looking for any possible leads. Her headache had started to recede about halfway through the day, but she had been so intent on finding Lillian, and thereby protecting Kara, that she hadn’t stopped to take a breather all day. She’d been mainlining caffeine and she skipped her lunch in favor of scarfing down a handful of peanuts at her desk here and there. This, combined with the fact that the day had long worn into evening, and then into night, ensured that Alex’s headache was back with a vengeance.

The excitement and adrenaline from the scene at the courtroom had worn off hours ago, and now she was feeling the exhaustion seeping in. She reached for her coffee cup as she blinked her eyes, trying to clear away the sting in them that came from staring at her computer screen for hours. When she brought the cup to her lips, the coffee was ice cold and she spit it back into the cup in disgust.

She set the cup back down and instead brought the tips of her thumb and middle finger to her eyes that were squeezed shut tight. She let out an exasperated sigh, then buried her head in her hands, berating herself. If she had been quicker at the courthouse, maybe she could have stopped the escape and Kara wouldn’t be in danger right now. She felt her own anger grow while dwelling on this thought, and she continued to kick herself. As she dug herself deeper into this pit of anger and self flagellation, she felt the urge for a drink rising in her.

Finally, she pulled her head from her hands and checked her watch. It was a little past ten at night, and Alex stared at the watch face for a second trying to figure out where the day went. She knew she had to call it a night, that no more progress was going to come from her today. So she gathered her things, her jacket and her coffee cup and headed home. It was time for something stronger than coffee.

* * *

Alex sat slouched on her couch. She was dozing, worn out from the events of the day. She clutched a half empty tumbler of bourbon in her hand, which was perched on her chest. The glass was dangerously close to spilling on Alex’s shirt; with each breath she took her chest rose, nudging the bottom edge of the glass and shifting the liquid contents inside closer to the rim. It had yet to spill though, instead each time the amber alcohol sloshed back down to the bottom of the glass into safer territory with the fall of Alex’s chest on her exhale.

However, at the sound of a loud knock at her door, the precarious balance was disrupted. Alex jumped in surprise and the bourbon splashed out of the glass, soaking through her top. She grumbled in frustration and confusion, unsure of what had woken her. Her shirt was sticking to her skin in that unpleasant way that wet fabric does, and she was trying to sort out what to do about it when another loud knock sounded.

Alex swiped a hand down her face, understanding now what woke her. She checked the time; 11:34 PM. She gulped down the remaining bourbon in her glass, and stood to answer the door. She checked the peephole first, and when she saw Maggie on the other side of her door with a pizza box she smiled. She pulled the door open, welcoming Maggie into her apartment.

“I’m glad you’re still up. Kara mentioned that you didn’t leave the DEO until after ten.” Maggie said, as she stepped inside and set the pizza box down on Alex’s counter. She then turned to Alex and greeted her with a kiss.

“Yeah, I needed some time to wind down before I could go to bed.” Alex said, going to the cabinet and taking out some paper plates for the pizza. As she moved, she remembered the bourbon on her shirt, once again feeling the sensation of the alcohol soaked fabric on her skin. She looked down at the huge stain on her shirt and felt embarrassment burn in her cheeks.

“Winding down meant a little, what is that,” Maggie pointed to Alex’s stained shirt, “bourbon, then?” she asked. She was trying to sound casual, but Alex could tell it was forced. There was something in Maggie’s eyes that Alex couldn’t quite pin down. Fear? Suspicion? Concern?

Whatever it was, it made her want to itch her skin. So she shrugged, and said “Yeah, I guess.” She faked a smile, and gestured to her shirt as she continued, “I’m just going to go change this real quick.” She then dashed over to the open bedroom and tried to ignore Maggie’s eyes on her as she changed. When she had picked this apartment, she liked the open floor plan. Now, she found herself wishing she had a door for her bedroom to hide behind in this moment.

But she didn’t, so she did her best to keep herself collected as she changed her shirt and tossed the other into the hamper. She walked down the short steps of the raised bed area, and across her apartment. When she got into the kitchen she felt she had regained most of her composure. She also felt like she could seriously use some beer to go with the pizza. She felt Maggie still watching her as she went to the fridge and dug out some beers. Trying not to squirm, she opened two, and handed one to Maggie.

“Thanks.” Maggie said softly as she accepted the beer. She seemed pensive, and Alex took a step closer to her.

“Is everything okay?” Alex asked. She was beginning to feel her worries from earlier that morning resurface. At that, Maggie looked up to Alex and gave her a smile that seemed to indicate her question had caught Maggie off guard. She nodded, gave Alex a peck on the cheek and took a slice of pizza before she sat down at Alex’s counter.

Alex’s mind started to race, and she gulped. Why was Maggie here? She had brought pizza, and she wasn’t acting like she was mad at Alex, but something was definitely off. It had been since last night. She watched as Maggie munched on the slice of pizza she had taken, crossing one arm over her stomach. Her other hand still held her beer.

Alex took a pull of her beer, and then another, before she sat down next to Maggie. She wasn’t sure if she should be pushing this, but she felt the overwhelming fear of something slipping through her fingers, something she wanted to hold on to, and it opened her mouth for her.

“Are you sure?” Alex asked again.

Maggie put her pizza slice down, and turned to face Alex. She seemed to be considering her words, but soon she spoke. As she did, she reached her hand out to Alex and rested it on her bicep, and said, “I feel like I should be asking you that.”

Alex blinked, and began to feel a different fear rising in her. “Me?” she said, voice raising in pitch with her startled apprehension. She immediately regretted how squeaky that had sounded, and tried to appear nonchalant. She shrugged her shoulder, the motion jerkier than she would have preferred, and she gesticulated heavily as she said, “I’m fine, nothing’s wrong.”

“Okay,” Maggie whispered, “You’re fine.”

Alex nodded, desperate relief filling her at the same time as a sense of dismay. Because Maggie wasn’t going to push her tonight, but Maggie also seemed far from reassured by Alex’s response. In fact, she looked hurt, and Alex wanted to scream at herself because she knew she put that wounded expression on Maggie’s face. She couldn’t fix this, not without delving into a part of herself that she had spent so long ignoring, she was only aware it existed in the periphery.

Alex had no idea what to do now, so she took another long sip of her beer. The room fell into an awkward silence, and Alex grabbed a slice of pizza, as well as another beer. Every time she took a sip, Maggie’s eyes were on her, and she didn’t know how to react. She wanted to tell Maggie to just leave, so she could drink in peace. But at the same time, she really didn’t want to stare at her empty apartment. So she said nothing as she worked her way through another two beers.

Finally, Maggie broke the silence. “Kara is so pissed at me.”

That got Alex’s attention. She furrowed her brow and gave Maggie a bemused expression, laced with concern. “Why? What happened?”

“I arrested Lena Luthor in front of her. Did you know Kara had become such good friends with her?” Maggie said.

“Wait, what? You arrested Lena Luthor? For what?” Alex asked, stunned.

Maggie ran a hand through her hair and blew out a puff of air. “We got security footage, it showed Lena taking the kryptonite Metallo used to escape with Lena’s mother. I went to ask Lena about it, Kara was there and-“

“Wait,” Alex interrupted, voice growing an edge, “you had evidence in the case, a DEO case, one that directly affects my sister’s life, and you’re just telling me about it now?”

Maggie looked so taken aback, and for a moment she said nothing. However, she quickly responded with her own steel cut to her voice, “Well, Alex, this all only went down about a half hour before I got here. And if you check your phone, you’ll see that I tried to call you to tell you what was going on several times. But you were, _winding down_ , like you said.”

The way she said ‘winding down,’ with a dramatic and bitter emphasis, made Alex’s hackles raise. “What the hell does that mean? I worked from eight in the morning until past ten! Sue me if I wanted to relax a little when I got home.”

Maggie looked Alex up and down, sizing her up and Alex could sense the frustration rolling off of Maggie in waves. But suddenly it all seemed to shift to concern, and Maggie lost all her angry tone as she said, “How much did you drink before I came over?”

Alex reared her head back, feeling panic cut through the hazy fog that the beer and the bourbon had induced in her mind. “What does that have to do with anything?” She hissed.

“Alex…” Maggie started, but she couldn’t seem to push the rest of her sentence out.

Alex threw her arms up in exasperation, “What, Maggie? I’ve told you I’m-“

“Fine. I know.” Maggie finished for her. Alex crossed her arms over stomach, hugging herself tight, and nodded vehemently. She felt tears pricking at her eyes and she swallowed hard. She opened her mouth, to say anything, but she couldn’t find the right words. She found herself staring at the ceiling and shuffling her feet nervously. Maggie didn’t say anything else, she just watched Alex.

Eventually, Alex brought her head back down to look at Maggie. More tears were burning in her eyes, and she cursed herself when one of them slipped down her cheek. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, knowing she had been out of line. “I shouldn’t have snapped. I know you wouldn’t try to hide evidence about a case from me. Not one we’re working together, and especially not one like this.”

Maggie nodded sharply, clearing her throat before she said, “Thank you.”

The room fell quiet again, and Alex kicked her foot once before she gathered the courage to ask, “Will you stay a little longer? We still have two thirds a pizza left, we could eat it and watch that nature show you like.”

“It’s kind of late, Alex.” Maggie said, but she was already moving to get the pizza box with a small smile on her face.

“It’s only kind of late, though.” Alex said, her own tentative smile growing. Maggie sat down on the couch, placing the pizza on the coffee table in front of it. She looked at Alex expectantly, and Alex knew she was waiting for her to sit down next to her.

She held up one finger to indicate she’d just be a second, before she dashed into the kitchen to grab another beer. Her nerves were so frayed from their argument, she needed another drink. Just one more. She sat down next to Maggie, and grabbed the throw blanket from the back of the couch. She put it across both of their laps, and settled in. She smiled at Maggie, and Maggie smiled back at her, but it didn’t reach her eyes or bring out the dimples Alex loved so much.

And Maggie’s smile seemed to get sadder as Alex took a sip of her sixth beer. Alex felt uncomfortable, not really understanding why at this point and so she ignored it in favor of the sensation of the drinks fuzzing up her brain. She turned on the TV, selecting the documentary she had previously mentioned and grabbed another slice of pizza.

Maggie followed suit, taking more pizza as well, and scooching a little closer to Alex. Within twenty minutes, Alex was passed out, a piece of pizza crust still in her left hand. Maggie took the pizza crust from Alex’s grasp, and tossed it in the box. She stood from the couch and helped Alex recline more on the couch. She picked Alex’s feet up off the floor and swung them onto the couch. She grunted as she maneuvered Alex onto her side, knowing from her CPR training to turn a sleeping drunk person on their side.

Alex slept heavily through all of this, completely oblivious to Maggie’s huffing as she moved the slightly larger woman into a position where she was sure she wouldn’t choke on her own vomit. When Maggie was satisfied, she grabbed the blanket that had gotten bunched up on the floor in all the shuffling and tucked it over Alex. She placed a kiss to Alex’s forehead, then quietly walked out of the apartment.


	4. Chapter Four

Maggie stared at the stack of paperwork on her desk and felt an ever increasing sense of anxiety rise in her at the work she wasn’t completing. But she just couldn’t get her brain to cooperate with her, and focus. Instead she was thinking and worrying about Alex. Last night she had watched Alex drink herself into a stupor, and she didn’t even know how much Alex had drunk before Maggie got there.

The bad feeling she had gotten in her gut that night at the bar, the night they had announced their relationship, it hadn’t let up since then. But before she had tried to dismiss it. She hadn’t really had any kind of proof to back up her fear, just that sinking, terrified feeling that something could be really wrong. And after last night, the fear was only growing.

Now, as Maggie rubbed her eyes and continued to fight through her paperwork at a torturously slow pace, she couldn’t stop recalling so many more nights like the one before. Maggie had known Alex for six months, and she wasn’t sure she could count all the times she’s seen Alex drunk.

They’d always met at the bar, that had become their hang out. The first night they had gotten together to play pool and drink beer, Maggie remembered thinking how astonished she was with how much alcohol Alex could hold. She’d had several beers and still kicked Maggie’s ass at pool. Maggie knew she wasn’t a terrific pool player, but Alex drank seven beers, then proceeded to sink two balls with one shot twice in a row.

Alex had teased Maggie about being a lightweight, and it was true. Maggie was a tiny woman, and she couldn’t really have more than a few beers before she hit her limit. Alex never pushed Maggie to drink more than she felt safe doing so, though. But she would joke, and Maggie never minded. In fact she had been impressed by Alex. She felt bile rise in her throat as she realized that now, wondering how she didn’t notice this sooner.

Because there were so many signs now that she looked back and examined them. Not only did Alex get drunk the first time they hung out, but she did on numerous other occasions. There was the time when the Genji alien had challenged Alex to a drinking contest, vodka shots, and she had drunk him under the table. Maggie had watched in awe, and cheered Alex on. She groaned as she remembered that part, feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world. That night Alex had eight shots of vodka and then proceeded to trip over her feet all the way home as Maggie walked her back to her apartment later on.

There was also Halloween. It wasn’t something that was really celebrated at the alien bar, most of the aliens had only a loose understanding of the holiday, and certainly none of them were home handing out candy to trick or treaters. Maggie was also perfectly content to ignore the holiday. She wasn’t particularly big on holidays; she hadn’t had anyone to celebrate them with in years. The corporate greed surrounding the big candy holidays always irked her, and besides, Halloween was for children.

Alex had grumbled that Halloween wasn’t just for kids, but she hadn’t really seemed that put out by Maggie’s desire to avoid the fuss. So they had gone to their usual bar, and had played pool. But Maggie remembered the way Alex had drunk that night, with an abandon she hadn’t seen out of her before. And when Maggie had pointed out to Alex that she was partying hard that night, Alex had sloppily shrugged then shouted, “It’s Halloween!” Maggie had found out the next day that Alex had gone to Kara’s Halloween party before arriving at the bar, and had several glasses of spiked punch there.

Alex clearly drank a lot, that much had been plain to Maggie from the start. But it hadn’t really risen any concern in her because well they did almost exclusively hang out in the bar or at crime scenes before they started dating. But as Maggie followed that train of thought, she realized Alex always seemed to create opportunities to drink in events that would otherwise be alcohol free. Maggie had taken Alex ice skating not long after they started dating, and they’d had a blast. Maggie remembered watching in confusion as Alex had poured something out of a flask into the hot chocolate Maggie had bought for her, but later chuckling as the booze made Alex’s attempts at ice skating hilarious.

As Maggie sat and stewed in her memories, she felt guilt clawing at her as she thought about how many times Alex had gotten smashed and Maggie hadn’t realized how serious it was, had even laughed and encouraged her drinking. After all, being with Alex had felt kind of like a party that didn’t stop. They were either chasing down criminals and aliens with high stakes and high adrenaline, or taking the edge off with some drinks until late at night. Maggie squeezed her eyes shut tight to stop tears from coming as she fully appreciated just how much of an edge Alex had been trying to take off.

Except sometimes, the party did stop. Like the times when Alex was so stressed, and she just couldn’t deal, so she crawled into the bottom of a bottle of bourbon instead. Once, Alex had been working a case so gnarly, Maggie was sure she wouldn’t come out the other side of it unchanged. A hostile alien from a planet Kara hadn’t even heard of had managed to escape to Earth, and began murdering young women. It left behind it a pile of bodies, each with her head severed and stomach ripped open. It had taken the DEO a few weeks to track the alien down, and Maggie had watched the haunted look in Alex’s eyes grow each time they found another body. It chased her still to this day, Maggie knew.

Every night until they caught the alien, Maggie had gone to check on Alex at her apartment. And each time she had found Alex nursing a glass full of bourbon. She’d held Alex as she sobbed those nights, mourning the women she wasn’t able to save, and Maggie knew Alex was placing the blame solely on her own shoulders.

Maggie took a deep breath in through her nose, and tried to stay calm. She was at her desk, she couldn’t afford to panic here. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that there was just always something. Some reason, some excuse Alex gave when she drank. _It’s a party!_ or _We’re celebrating!_ or _I had a rough day, I need to relax._ There was also, _You can’t have pizza without beer. It’s sacrilegious!_

Alex had made that claim numerous times, and it was why Maggie had avoided bringing beer with her last night when she had brought pizza to Alex’s apartment. Of course Alex was well stocked in beer herself, and had still managed to get drunk.

Maggie couldn’t sit at her desk filling out forms any longer. She was feeling an overwhelming pressure to act, to do something. She needed more information; she couldn’t just jump to this conclusion, even if at this point it felt more like a baby step than a jump. She stood, grabbed her jacket, and tossed over her shoulder to her coworkers that she was taking an early lunch.

* * *

The elevator dinged as it reached its destination, and the doors opened to reveal the Catco offices. Maggie stepped out of the elevator and strode down the short hallway towards the bullpen. She kept her eyes peeled for the woman she was looking for, Kara Danvers. She’d never been to this office before, and so she wasn’t sure exactly where Kara’s office was or where to find her.

She was spared a lengthy search, however, when she rounded the corner and saw Kara storming away from James with a thunderous expression on her face. Maggie watched James turn and walk away, and Kara continued to stomp in her direction. She was about to call out Kara’s name to get her attention, but it proved unnecessary, because Kara spotted her then.

Her thunderous expression turned hard as stone, and Kara glared at Maggie in surprise for a moment before she spit out, “If you’re looking for me to condemn Lena, forget it. I have nothing to say to you.”

Kara began to walk away and Maggie felt her frustration mounting. She rushed after Kara and said, “Kara, wait!” Kara ignored her and continued to walk, attempting to brush past Maggie. Desperate, Maggie reached out and put a hand on Kara’s forearm.

“It’s not about Lena Luthor,” Maggie said, “It’s about Alex. She’s in trouble.”

That got Kara’s attention and she halted in her tracks. Kara pinned Maggie with a fierce stare and immediately demanded more information.

“What happened? Is she hurt? Was there an alien? Was it Lillian Luthor?” Kara asked, her anger with Maggie falling to the wayside as she clearly grew concerned.

Maggie shook her head, and said, “No, it’s not like that. We should really talk about this in private.”

Kara narrowed her eyes and examined Maggie thoroughly, but after a moment she gave Maggie a terse nod, and indicated for her to follow Kara. She led them down the hall, around another corner, and to another hallway that held a series of private offices. Kara turned a key in the door of one, and opened the door. She gestured for Maggie to come inside, then walked in behind her and shut the door. Kara didn’t sit, she just stood behind her desk, and crossed her arms, so Maggie didn’t sit either.

“Look, Kara,” Maggie started, “I didn’t like arresting Lena, I know you’re her friend, I was just doing my job.” “

You said this had to do with Alex.” Kara said, voice razor sharp. “If you’re here to try to convince me Lena is guilty you can save your breath and walk back out the way you came.”

Maggie huffed in aggravation, but she honestly didn’t care enough about the Lena situation, given the reason she had gone to Catco in the first place. She placed her hands on her hips, and swallowed. She didn’t realize it was going to be so hard to give a voice to the fears she’d been harboring. But Kara was getting impatient, and Maggie didn’t really have any desire to be on the receiving end of Kara’s laser vision. She knew she needed to ask about this, for Alex’s sake.

“I’m worried about her.” Maggie finally settled on.

“That much I’d gathered, and now you’re making me worry. So, seriously Maggie, just spit it out.” Kara said.

Maggie decided to bite the bullet, and said in a quiet but firm voice, “I’ve only known Alex a few months. You’ve known her for half her life. Have you ever thought, maybe Alex drinks too much?”

Kara reared her head back, and she dropped her arms to her sides as her eyebrows shot to her hairline. Maggie took everything in as she waited for an answer, for Kara to really process what Maggie was asking. Finally, Kara whispered, “I thought she’d gotten past that.”

“What?” Maggie said, leaning forward, and beginning to panic. “What does that mean? Has Alex had problems with drinking too much in the past?”

Kara sighed and Maggie could tell she was very uncomfortable. She rubbed her temples and sank into her chair. She looked up at Maggie, and gestured for her to sit too, so Maggie did. She didn’t let up her stare as she perched in the chair, waiting for Kara to explain.

“Before the DEO, Alex, she did drink a lot. Sometimes, when we were teenagers, Alex would come home late at night smelling like beer. Then she went to college, and I didn’t see as much of her. She was always studying. But it was after college that the partying really started.” Kara informed her.

“Partying?” Maggie asked, pressing for more information.

“She was always going out to clubs, getting smashed, and making some really bad choices. I won’t go into detail, because it’s not really my place to dig skeletons out of Alex’s closet. But it wasn’t good. I was really worried about her back then. But when she joined the DEO, she really seemed to get her life together. Of course I didn’t know she was in the DEO then, I just knew she had gotten a new career, and she really seemed to be creating a new direction for herself.” Kara said. Then, in a whisper, “I was so relieved, I didn’t press the issue. Maybe I should have.”

Maggie swallowed hard and gripped the armrests of the chair. Her bad feeling was more than a feeling, it was a deeply alarming truth, and the confirmation of it so jarred her that she almost missed Kara saying, “Maggie, do you think she’s drinking too much again?”

Maggie nodded, and she swiped the flat of her hand down her face as the severity set in. “Yeah, I do. She’s gotten drunk the last couple of nights, and I thought about it a lot today. I’ve only known Alex since September, and already I can’t count how many times I’ve seen her drunk. I spent all of this morning just remembering all the times I can where she’s had way too much, then blew it off as no big deal.”

Kara was silent for a long moment, and Maggie watched a myriad of emotions cross her face as Kara was clearly remembering instances of Alex being inebriated the same way Maggie had before. Kara had dropped her chin to stare at the surface of her desk as she thought, but after a little while she picked up her head and looked at Maggie intensely.

“My Earth birthday. She came to me that night, after the white martian attack at the DEO, and she brought me a cupcake. And she drank all my wine. She said she was just celebrating. And that she needed to unwind after the day we’d had. She’s been making up a lot of reasons to drink, hasn’t she?” Kara said.

Maggie nodded, and said, “Yeah, she has.”

“We need to talk to her.” Kara stated definitively.

Maggie nodded again, this time more vigorously, glad that Kara agreed with her on this. She said, “Yes, we do. And we need to do it soon. Tonight. After work.”

Kara agreed, and said she would meet Maggie at Alex’s apartment at 6:30 that night. Kara stood again, and Maggie got the distinct impression she wasn’t really welcome in Kara’s presence any longer, so she stood too and turned to leave. Before she walked out the door, Maggie turned around and said, “Kara, I really am sorry, but I had to arrest Lena, we had proof she did it.”

Kara’s entire demeanor hardened once again, and she simply pointed to the door in a clear gesture of ‘get out,’ and she said, “You’re wrong.”

Maggie pursed her lips, but decided there was no point in pushing this, so she turned once again, and left Kara in her office to glare daggers at her back.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild description of blood in this chapter.

Maggie stepped out of the stairwell of Alex’s building onto the sixth floor, and turned the corner into the short hallway. Kara was already there waiting for her, standing outside Alex’s door. She stiffened when she saw Maggie, and gave her a grimace and a curt nod. Maggie sighed and tucked her hands into the back pocket of her jeans. She leaned her back against the wall, and tilted her head until the back of it made contact with the wall.

Maggie chanced another glance over at Kara, and found the woman was staring straight ahead and refusing to look at Maggie. Maggie huffed in frustration and turned to staring at the ceiling. She and Kara stood on either side of Alex’s door, flanking it and waiting. They had decided earlier that even though Kara had a key to Alex’s apartment, it would be best if they waited outside. They didn’t want this to feel like an invasion.

The minutes ticked over slowly as the two women waited in silence. Kara was doing her best impression of a stone statue, and Maggie had decided not to push her. She would have to confront the truth about Lena at some point, but Maggie didn’t want to be the one to make her. Not that anything she said would convince Kara at this point, she knew. Kara was too stubborn to be swayed on this. She would have to come to terms with this on her own.

Maggie checked her watch, and found it was past 7:00. She began to fear that Alex was pulling another long shift like she did yesterday. She checked her phone, wondering if she had sent her a message, but there was nothing. Maggie was about to call her when Kara decided to break her silence.

“I visited Lena today.” She said icily.

“You did what?” Maggie said, turning her whole body to look at Kara. Kara mimicked the action, and stared Maggie down through the lenses of her glasses.

“You heard me.” Kara said, and Maggie said nothing in reply. She knew there was more forthcoming from Kara, and she waited. It wasn’t long, though, before Kara continued with, “She didn’t do this, Maggie. Why can’t you just give her a chance?”

Maggie sighed, she needed all of her emotional energy for the conversation they were about to have with Alex, she couldn’t afford to spend any on an argument with Kara. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to be compassionate with Kara. She didn’t envy her position, being betrayed by someone she had trusted. Maggie had been there before, and she wouldn’t care to repeat it. So when she spoke, she was gentle.

“Kara, I know she’s your friend. But there’s video evidence. We had no choice.”

Kara ground her teeth, and Maggie hoped she would drop it there. She was beginning to get a feeling about this, a sort of intuitive perception, about Kara’s emotional investment in this and why she was defending Lena Luthor so vehemently. But it was irrelevant, because the woman was guilty, caught on tape, and Maggie’s hands were tied.

“You had a choice.” Kara persisted, “You could have listened to her. She said she didn’t do this, but no one will believe her. No one will, because of her family. It’s not right.”

“Kara,” Maggie said, drawing on her capacity for empathy in an attempt to not get exasperated with Kara, “No one believes her because there’s literally a video of her committing the crime.”

Kara opened her mouth to retort, but she was cut off by the sound of the door to the stairwell opening. It startled both women, and they turned to watch the hallway. Alex stepped around the corner, and just like that the conversation was dropped in favor of another. Kara glanced at Maggie, and gave her a look that told her she was in this with her. Even in terrible situations like the one they found themselves in, Kara was loyal to a fault. Loyal to Maggie, loyal to Alex, loyal to Lena. It was the last person that was causing the rift.

But that was neither here nor there for the moment; Alex was their priority. She needed them right now. Maggie took a step forward, smiling reassuringly at Alex. Her stomach plummeted, however, when she saw Alex stumble and catch herself on the wall. For a moment Alex looked confused, as though she didn’t understand what had tripped her, even though it was her own two feet that had done the job. But then she shrugged and burped once.

Maggie wrinkled her nose at the wet sound of the burp, afraid Alex was going to heave in the hallway. And Alex seemed to have the same fear, as she clutched her stomach and opened her eyes wide. She held that pose for a second, and Maggie and Kara exchanged worried glances. Alex hadn’t even noticed them yet.

Maggie cleared her throat softly and said, “Hey, Alex, sweetie?”

Alex jumped, and her hand instantly went to her hip, reaching for her gun, but when she saw who was standing in the hallway, she moved that hand to her chest instead. She clutched at the space over her heart as she said, “Maggie! You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Maggie said, “we didn’t mean to.”

Alex looked around at the word ‘we’ and spotted Kara, noticing her for the first time as she whispered “Oh.”

Kara walked over to Alex’s side, and put her hand on her elbow. The gesture was meant to stabilize Alex as much as it was to comfort her, because even stood still, Alex was swaying and looked as though she might lose her balance. The scent of liquor was rolling off of her in waves, and Maggie closed her eyes shut for a second to try to process their next step. She sighed, then joined Kara on Alex’s other side and took Alex’s arm on that side.

Together, they steered Alex inside her apartment, with Kara unlocking the door with her key. Alex seemed impressed by the action, as they opened the door for her, and she said as she pointed to it with a goofy look, “Oh, hey thanks.”

All three women walked inside and Kara shut the door behind them. Alex stumbled a little more, and she shed her jacket, dropping it on the floor. She hiccupped and looked at Maggie and Kara. At first, she was smiling peacefully, but then confusion overtook her features.

“Wait. Why were you guys waiting?” Alex narrowed her eyes for a moment in thought, then she shifted into pouting, “Did I miss something? Shit, was it game night? I- I don’ remember.”

There was a slight slur to her words, and Maggie wondered how many drinks it took tonight to get Alex to that state. She was still standing just a step away from Alex, and she reached out to rub her back. Alex hiccupped again and went back to smiling peacefully at the contact.

“Actually, Kara and I are here cause we wanted to talk to you about something.” Maggie said, watching Alex for a reaction carefully.

Alex snorted out a chuckle, and said, “Oh boy, very serious.”

Maggie suppressed a sigh, and tried not to get too drained too fast. She looked to Kara, and could see Kara was struggling, seeing Alex so clearly plastered. But Kara stepped closer and said, “Well, actually, it is kind of serious, Alex.”

“Right.” Alex nodded her head and Maggie could tell she was trying to focus, she wasn’t being very successful, but she was trying. “Right, yeah.” Alex continued, “okay, uh, shoot.”

“Let’s sit.” Maggie said, and she lead Alex over to the couch as Kara followed.

All three sat on the couch, with Alex sandwiched in between Kara and Maggie. Alex was still nodding, and focusing as intently as she could, though her eyes were starting to glass over. Maggie reached over and took Alex’s hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“What’s up?” Alex said, looking back and forth between Kara and Maggie.

Maggie took a deep breath, and said, “We’re concerned about you, Alex.”

Alex hiccupped again as she said, “Me?”

“Yeah,” Kara jumped in. She tucked a strand of Alex’s hair behind her ear and said, “We’re worried because, well, we’re worried you’re drinking too much Alex.”

Finally, it was out in the air. And Maggie felt like she could exhale with the weight of it off her chest. But the feeling didn’t last long as she saw Alex’s reaction forming. She seemed stunned. However, she progressed quickly from stunned to angry. She jumped from the couch, dropping Maggie’s hand and crossing her arms over her chest.

“That’s ridiculous.” Alex said, voice strained and low.

“Is it?” Maggie said as she stood too.

“Yes!” Alex almost shouted.

Maggie raised her eyebrows at the aggressiveness. Alex seemed to reign in her anger after a moment, and Maggie could see her hugging her arms to her chest even tighter.

“Alex, we’re not here to vilify you. It’s like I said, we’re worried.” Maggie said, hoping she could smooth Alex’s ruffled feathers. If not there was no way this was going to be productive. “We just want you to be okay.” She added, emotion cracking her voice.

She could see the gears in Alex’s mind turning, the panicked expression in her eyes as she desperately tried to find a way out of this. But it was as if there were almost a hint of relief in Alex’s eyes as well, and Maggie couldn’t help but wonder if some subconscious part of Alex _wanted_ to be called on her drinking. She watched Alex swallow hard, and Maggie could see Alex was going to really dig her heels in.

Maggie’s gut twisted when Alex said, “I’m _fine_.”

“You keep saying that, Alex. You’ve said it so much it doesn’t even sound real anymore.” Maggie said.

“Well I keep saying it because _you_ keep pestering me when there’s nothing wrong. I am. I am fine.” Alex retorted, clearly growing more agitated.

Kara, who hadn’t risen from the couch before when Alex and Maggie got up earlier, stood and took a cautious step toward Alex. Her gaze was critical but not judgmental as she examined Alex, who under the stare started squirming.

“Are you saying that so you can keep drinking, or have you actually convinced yourself there isn’t a problem?” Kara asked. Her words were earnest, but Alex seemed to take exception to them as she began pacing the room with jerky motions. But she was still so intoxicated, it didn’t take long for her to trip over her own feet again.

This time, however, she couldn’t catch herself and she tumbled to the floor. There was a heavy thud as Alex collided with the floor, and with her inebriated reflexes, Alex never put her hands out to break her fall. Her face landed hard in the carpet.

“Alex!” Kara and Maggie cried out in unison as they watched her fall, both rushing forward. They both crouched down by Alex’s prone form. Maggie reached out and helped a groaning Alex turn onto her side. When she pulled her face from the carpet, Maggie and Kara gasped. Blood poured from Alex’s nose.

Alex sat up, and looked at both of them with wide eyes that were brimming with tears. She was still a little stunned from the fall, and more than anything she didn’t appear to understand what happened. Kara, upon seeing the blood snapped into savior mode and leapt to her feet. She sped into the bathroom, and was back with a towel literally before Maggie could blink her eyes.

Kara knelt by Alex’s side again, and whispered, “Here you go, honey, it’s okay.” She pressed the towel to Alex’s nose, and Maggie watched as red slowly soaked and stained the white cloth.

Maggie put a hand on Alex’s bent knee, not quite sure what to say now. She took a moment, trying to formulate a way to express what needed to be said. Kara was silent as well; she continued to hold the towel to Alex’s nose, and with her other hand she played with Alex’s hair some more. Tears were still slipping out of Alex’s eyes, but after a moment the shock seemed to wear off, and Maggie saw embarrassment flooding Alex’s face.

She squeezed Alex’s knee where her hand still rested, but she didn’t say anything still. Just when Maggie thought, maybe she knew where to go from here, her phone began to ring. She checked the caller ID, fully intending to ignore the call but needing to make sure it wasn’t an emergency. But it was her lieutenant calling, and she couldn’t ignore him. So she offered Alex a small smile, then stepped away from the scene to answer the call. She stepped into the bathroom for privacy.

“Sawyer.” She greeted tersely.

“We’ve got a situation with the Luthor case.” Her lieutenant’s gruff voice sounded on the line.

“What’s happened?” She asked, her voice dropping urgently.

“Lena Luthor has escaped. Her mother’s buddy, the freak with the glowing green chest, he busted her out. It just went down. Guardian was there, but he got his ass handed to him. Lena’s with her mother now, and god only knows what those two are plotting now.” He said.

“I’m on my way.” Maggie said, and she hung up the phone. She took a deep breath, and braced herself to face the situation. Both situations; the one outside the door, and the one likely about to destroy National City.

When she walked out of the bathroom door, Kara was standing, glaring daggers at Maggie and face red with anger. Maggie was lost, she hadn’t told them what had happened yet. But then it hit her.

“You used your super hearing to eavesdrop on confidential police business?” She said with indignation.

Kara ignored that, the accusation obviously true, and said with her voice rising, “Are you happy now? Look what you’ve done! They’ve taken her and now she’s in danger!”

Alex, who had moved to sitting in her chair, still clutching a bloody towel to her face, said, “Taken who?”

“Lena.” Kara said, “Metallo kidnapped her from her jail cell.”

“Kara,” Maggie said as calmly as she could manage, “Lena’s not in danger, she’s escaped prison. She’s the criminal.”

“She’s innocent! How many times does she have to prove she’s not evil?” Kara cried.

“Prove? Kara, you want to talk about proof? There’s video evidence of Lena committing a crime. And now she’s committed another.” Maggie bit back, voice firm and steady in contrast to Kara’s climbing pitch and emotions.

Alex’s phone began to ring, and as she pulled it out of her pocket, Maggie saw the name Hank Henshaw flash across the screen. Alex accepted the call, and began murmuring into it. Kara, who had paused to listen to what Hank wanted, turned back to Maggie after a moment, and resumed glaring at her.

“Do you really think Lena Luthor would be incompetent enough to be caught committing a crime on tape?” Kara said, venom in her speech.

“Kara,” Alex interrupted, having hung up the phone. She stood from the chair and pulled the towel away from her no longer bleeding nose, “Lay off of Maggie, she’s just doing her job. There’s evidence, what are we supposed to think?”

“I don’t care about your evidence,” Kara said, and Maggie could see the young woman struggling with her frustration and the intensity of her conviction. “I believe in her.”

Alex sighed, and she dropped her chin for a second before she held up her phone and said, “That was J’onn. He’s calling us both in to bring Lena Luthor in.”

Kara was revving up to keep fighting, but Maggie didn’t have time to argue with Kara about this anymore. Lena Luthor needed to be caught and Kara’s devotion to her friend couldn’t change that. So she threw her hands up in exasperation and said, “Look, whether you’re right, Kara, or I’m right, Lena still needs to be found.”

“Well at least that we agree on.” Kara said. She began removing her outer clothing, unveiling her super suit. She stopped in her motions long enough to reach for Alex, taking her by her upper arms before she pulled her into a full embrace. She pulled back and looked Alex in the eyes as she said, “We haven’t finished our previous conversation, okay?”

She then placed a quick kiss to Alex’s forehead, and with a blur of royal blue and crimson she had taken off into the night sky through Alex’s window.

Maggie stepped up to Alex’s side, and observed her face for a second. Alex seemed a little shaken and she put one hand on Alex’s shoulder. Alex quickly schooled her features, and Maggie could tell that even if they had the time to continue their conversation, Alex wasn’t going to entertain it anymore tonight.

Alex was wiping at the last tears still drying on her cheeks from earlier, and she squared her shoulders with a determined set to her jaw. It was offset, however, by the still present sway to her balance, the reek of booze, and her bloodshot eyes.

“We’ve got to find Lena before she and her mother hurt someone. Can you do this tonight?” Maggie whispered her question, unsure if she should try to convince Alex to sit this one out.

Alex huffed, and flicked a sharp glance at Maggie before pushing past her and insisting one more time, “I’m fine.”

Maggie continued to measure Alex. She was looking for something, and getting annoyed fast that she couldn’t find it. She looked up and huffed, “Did you take my jacket?”

“What?” Maggie said, caught off guard by the ridiculous accusation. “No, I didn’t take it. You dropped it on the floor before.”

“Oh.” Alex said, stopping her search and dropping her arms to hang limply by her sides.

Maggie took a deep breath and steeled herself for Alex’s reaction to what she had to say. “Alex, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go back to work tonight.”

“And why not?” Alex said, placing her hands on her hips and giving Maggie a glare that reminded her of Kara earlier.

“Maybe because you’re drunk.” Maggie said, and her tone made it clear that she wasn’t going to tolerate much more of Alex’s attitude. Alex started to open her mouth but Maggie cut her off, “Alex, please don’t tell me you’re fine. You faceplanted into the carpet just ten minutes ago because you’re so drunk. Please, just call your boss. Tell him you’re sick, and stay home tonight.” Alex had crossed her arms over her chest again and she was a clear combination of irate and ready to cry.

Maggie wanted to kiss Alex goodbye, to take her in her arms and tell her everything would be okay. But Alex was upset, and angry, and hurt, and Maggie knew better than to initiate physical contact with someone in that state. So she said, “Take a shower, and go to bed. I’ll call you first thing in the morning, okay?”

Alex turned her head away from Maggie and she could see her jaw clenching in the profile of her face. Maggie swallowed, and tried not to take any of this to heart. She whispered a quiet, “Please take care of yourself tonight.” Then she turned and walked out the door.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet! Lots of action in this one! I messed with some of the details and the timeline to diverge from canon in a way that fits this story. From here we depart from the canon of the show.
> 
> **EDIT** Hey! So I've replaced this chapter with an edited version. I went back and reread this chapter after I posted it yesterday, and it just wasn't sitting right with me. It felt rushed, and it didn't seem like my best work. So I went through it again today and made some changes. Some of them were small mechanical things like fixing typos that were driving me nuts. And I also added some content. It made the chapter a little longer, but it added some insight into what is going on in Alex's head during this chapter. I think it also gave the chapter a better flow than before. If you skip reading the updated version, you won't miss anything that will make it confusing to move on to the next chapter. But I do really think this version of the chapter is better, and I would appreciate it if you gave it some of your time.

The NCPD bullpen was bustling with action as every available officer had been called in to help hunt down the Luthor women. Maggie, who had been the lead detective on the case, was heading up the effort to find them. She charged around the office organizing searches and giving orders to her junior officers. She wanted this to go down right, with no casualties, and she had to make sure every detail was accounted for.

She stopped moving for a moment, the first time she’d been able to since she was called into the station. Sucking in a deep breath, she closed her eyes. As hard as she was trying to focus on the task at hand, she couldn’t help but bring her mind back to Alex. Maggie was desperately hoping that Alex had done as she’d asked her to, and sat tonight out. She briefly entertained the idea of calling Alex, checking on her, but she wasn’t sure Alex wanted to hear from her right now.

Maggie was about to grab her police jacket, an oversized windbreaker that tended to swallow her a little bit, and hit the streets herself. She needed to be out in the thick of it, or else she would just feel useless. Maggie Sawyer did not belong behind a desk. And if she stayed here she knew she would keep obsessing over Alex. At least on the streets she could distract herself. She picked the jacket up off the back of her chair, but stopped in her tracks when she looked up and saw someone standing in her path.

“Kara? What are you doing here?” She asked in surprise.

“She didn’t do it.” Kara said, ice in her voice and fire in her eyes.

Maggie could see how tightly Kara was clenching her jaw, and the defiance she was exuding from her stance. As if she were daring Maggie to tell her she was wrong yet again. Maggie had to fight the urge to rip her hair out. She couldn’t keep going in this circle with Kara. She took another deep gulp of air, turning her eyes to the ceiling, as if it would provide her the strength to get through this same fight again. Lowering her head, Maggie looked Kara straight in the eye, ready to repeat for the hundredth time that Kara’s word and faith weren’t enough to negate the incriminating evidence. But Kara didn’t let her.

“I have proof this time. More than my belief in Lena. Actual video proof. Since you’re so fond of that.” Kara said. She was shaking, and her words were filled with acid. Maggie saw the way Kara’s hands curled into fists by her sides as the woman tried to calm herself, but when she looked into her eyes, she could tell Kara was only a few seconds away from bursting into tears.

“Come with me.” Maggie said, and ushered Kara out of the frantic scene in the bullpen. She led them into an interview room, one they used for talking to witnesses and victims. It wasn’t as intimidating as an interrogation room, with soft green walls surrounding a wooden table with chairs all around it, as opposed to sterile white and a metal table with only two opposing seats.

Maggie dropped her windbreaker into one of the seats and took a tentative step closer to Kara, who was hugging herself so tight to try to hold herself together. Kara’s anger was rapidly giving way to panic that Maggie could sense coming from the woman.

“Hey, Kara? Can you tell me what’s going on right now?” Maggie whispered in a soft voice.

Kara whipped her head up from where she had been staring into space and looked at Maggie with wide eyes. And that’s when the dam broke. Kara rushed forward and threw herself into the arms that Maggie had opened for her as soon as she saw the first tear. Maggie squeezed Kara hard, knowing she couldn’t hurt this woman with a tight hug. Kara seemed to even appreciate the fierceness of Maggie’s embrace.

Kara’s face was buried in Maggie’s shirt, somewhat awkwardly as Kara stood five inches taller than her. Kara had dropped her forehead to rest on Maggie’s shoulder, and she shuddered out sobs. Maggie just held on tight, knowing Kara would talk when she had calmed herself a little. In an effort to help Kara reach that calm, Maggie swayed them very gently. It always seemed to help Alex, she thought maybe it would help her sister too.

She couldn’t help but feeling victorious when Kara’s hitched breathing seemed to even out, and she didn’t shake as much. Perhaps she was the Danvers whisperer, Maggie mused. She continued to rock them side to side until Kara finally spoke up.

In a tiny voice, she said, “I love her.”

Kara was still clinging to her, so Maggie didn’t let go either. She squeezed Kara again and said, “I thought you might. Does Alex know?”

“She knows I’m bi,” Kara murmured. “She doesn’t know about Lena, though.”

“You’ll tell her whenever you’re ready.” Maggie said, hoping to reassure Kara. She could feel her nodding into her shoulder. Another moment more, and Kara lifted her head up then stepped out of the hug. She wiped away some of the tears still slipping out of her eyes, and gave Maggie a small if slightly embarrassed smile.

Maggie smiled back at Kara. Normally she’d offer her ear to Kara, ask her if she wanted to talk more. But they were in a time crunch and Kara had said something important when she walked in. So Maggie said, “What did you mean before? You said you had video proof of Lena?”

Kara nodded, serious intensity overtaking her. She fished through her pockets and pulled out a small flash drive, presenting it to Maggie with graveness. Maggie took the drive and led them out of the bullpen again so she could access her computer. She plugged the drive in, and brought up the video file. As Maggie watched the footage, her stomach began to drop. It showed a man digging out the kryptonite that had been used to power up Metallo and free Lillian Luthor, and if this was real it proved that Lena Luthor was framed, and that Maggie had been wrong. But something struck her as she looked at the face on the screen.

“Kara, I don’t understand. Is that J’onn? What’s on his face?” Maggie asked.

“No, that’s not J’onn. That’s Hank Henshaw. The original Hank Henshaw.” Kara explained, pushing her glasses up her nose. She waved her hand around her face as she said, “The thing on his face? He’s a cyborg.”

“Woah, wait. Cyborg? And what does that mean? The ‘original’ Hank Henshaw? Also that brings up another question. If it’s J’onn who called Alex earlier, why did her phone say Hank Henshaw?” Maggie asked, scrunching her brow as she tried to make all the dots connect.

“That would take way too long to explain, and Lena doesn’t have that much time.” Kara said, verging on frantic again. Maggie nodded, but resolved to get some answers at a later, less urgent, time.

“Winn is the one who discovered the video was tampered with.” Kara continued, pointing to the computer. “He said he included all the files necessary to prove the video was altered to overlay Lena’s image with Henshaw.”

Maggie, ran a hand through her hair and bit her lip. She looked at Kara, meeting her fierce gaze, and she said, “Kara, I owe you an apology. You were right about Lena. I’m sorry.”

Kara crossed her arms and said, “It’s not me you have to apologize to. It’s Lena.”

Maggie nodded and grabbed her windbreaker one more time, giving Kara a determined smile. “Well then. Let’s find her so I can do just that.”

* * *

Alex pressed her fingers to her temples and willed her head to stop spinning. She was watching the numbers on the screen of her computer dance around when they should have been stationary. It made her want to vomit. She wouldn’t let herself though, she had to fight this. She had to prove to Maggie and Kara that they were worrying about nothing. She was fine. She was. And she was going to show them by saving Lena.

Alex had waited all of two minutes after Maggie left her apartment before she stormed out herself and went to the DEO. She didn’t drive. She knew she had had some drinks, but she told herself she didn’t have to be an alcoholic just because she had had too much to drive. So she had hailed a taxi, and gone straight to headquarters.

Kara and Winn had found proof that Lena was innocent, framed by Cadmus, and now they were all working into the night to try and find Lena and rescue her. The DEO had seized control of the search from the NCPD. Alex knew Maggie had to be furious, but she wasn’t able to contact her right now. Not until the mission was over. Once the DEO had located Lena Luthor and her mother, they would once again return jurisdiction to the police. But the police just didn’t have the kind of resources the DEO did to find them, and there was no time to waste.

While Alex worked, she also fought the alcohol still storming through her system. Over the past few hours she’d been sobering, but at a glacial pace. It was nowhere near fast enough to stop the bouts of double vision that would come and go, as well as her growing urge to puke.

She was closing her eyes, trying to steady herself. She needed to do this, or Kara and Maggie would continue to insist she had a problem. Suddenly a voice cut across the computer room and startled Alex out of the stupor she had inadvertently begun to slip into while she had actually been trying to focus. She whipped her head up to search for the source of the voice, immediately regretting it, as it made the world spin.

She threw her arms out, feeling a need for balance, and opened her eyes wide. After a moment, the spinning seemed to reduce, so she resumed identifying the voice. She saw Kara heading toward where Winn sat at his computer, and she realized she had heard Winn. She stood, and crossed the space to find out what was going on.

“What’s happening, Winn?” She asked.

He looked up at her, and then did a double take when he saw her. Alex squared her shoulders and dared him to say anything to her. She watched as he sniffed the air and gave her a dubious look. She could tell by the look on his face that something sassy was on the tip of his tongue.

“I said, what is happening, Agent Schott?” Alex ground out in a low dangerous voice, not remotely in the mood to be challenged right now.

“Alex…” Kara said in a warning voice. Alex ignored her. Winn gave her another pointed look, but she continued to glower at him and he eventually broke.

“I was just telling Kara that I think I found a way to find Lena.” Winn said, turning to his computer and pulling up some information. On the screen, more numbers appeared and Alex fought hard to read them without retching. Winn continued to explain, and said, “I figured out that the kryptonite that Metallo and Cadmus got a hold of, it had to be synthetic. And I’ve got its chemical marker.”

“We can track it.” Alex concluded for him. She grinned widely, and gave Winn a clap on the back.

“Come with me, we’ll use the main screen.” She said as she led them over to the center of the tech room and began drawing up the information on the massive screen.

Winn brought his tablet and started punching in information too. Meanwhile, Kara was watching them sharply, and Alex could tell she was becoming incredibly antsy. Alex kept glancing at Kara, knowing she was itching to find Lena and save her. Kara began to bounce up and down on her heels and her hands were clenched into fists.

“Have you found the location yet?” She said, voice tight.

Winn shook his head as he concentrated on his tablet, and Alex tried to type faster. The situation was dire, no doubt, but something about Kara’s anxiousness increased the sense of urgency Alex felt. This was important to Kara, and in a way that was different from her usual need to save and protect. Lena was Kara’s friend after all. Alex knew that if Kara couldn’t save Lena, she’d never forgive herself. And Alex couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let Kara fall into that pit of despair. Kara always had to save the world, but Alex always had to save Kara.

So she had to work better and faster now. Not just for herself, to prove that she wasn’t some drunk who couldn’t function, couldn’t do her job. But so she could take care of Kara. No matter what, she had to do that. Some days, it felt like the only reason she was even here. She did pick up the pace, but her fingers were clumsy across the keyboard. Staring at the little white numbers and letters on the keys was starting to make her head hurt again. They were all shifting, and sometimes she couldn’t tell which of the two ‘7’ keys was the right one.

“Woah, what?” Winn interjected and he looked back and forth from his tablet to the screen to understand what he was seeing.

Kara stopped bouncing and stepped forward, saying, “What? What’s wrong? Do you know where she is?”

“No, not yet. Alex, what are you typing? That’s not the right variable, it’s throwing off our calculations.” Winn said, correcting Alex’s mistake.

“Oh sorry, it must have been a typo.” Alex said, noticing now that she had in fact typed in a number sequence that made no sense.

Winn said nothing, but Kara inched toward where Alex sat, and whispered, “Alex, are you sure you can do this? Honestly, how drunk are you still?”

“I’m fine,” Alex hissed, and she felt the mortification creep up her spine as Winn who had no doubt overheard Kara glanced at the two of them. “I can do this. Just trust me.”

Kara stared at Alex for a long moment, but eventually she nodded and took a step back, resuming her nervous bouncing. Alex gulped, and tried to focus on the numbers again. She had to stare at the keyboard for a second before she remembered how to type, but then she kicked back into gear. For a few more moments all that could be heard was the sounds of typing and the heels of Kara’s boots scuffing the floor every time they hit the concrete on the down stroke of her bounce.

“That’s it.” Winn shouted, pointing at the screen.

“Where? Where is she?” Kara demanded.

“About sixty miles out of the city, to the northwest, in the desert. According to these satellite images there’s some kind of structure out there, it looks like it could be industrial.” Winn said, but Kara was already out of the building and in the sky before he finished his sentence. Winn turned around and saw an empty space where Kara had been standing before and gave the spot an impressed stare before saying, “Okay, cool, you just take off and do your thing I guess.”

“Thanks, Winn.” Kara’s voice crackled over the com in Winn and Alex’s ears. Alex jumped at the sound of her sister’s voice in her ear, and Winn gave her a side eyed glance. Alex ignored him.

“Any time, Supergirl.” Winn said. He then pulled the mic away from his face, and looked at Alex for a long moment.

“What?” Alex snapped at him, with no shortage of vitriol.

Winn’s eyebrows shot up and his chin dropped a little in surprise. “You know what,” he said.

Alex stood, and crossed her arms over her chest while she bored into him with a menacing look. “No. I don’t.”

“Alex. Come on.” Winn said, his voice softening, looking around to see if anyone else had noticed Alex’s state.

“Go back to work, Agent Schott.” Alex said. And she turned away from Winn as she sat back down at the computer and closely watched the large display screen depicting the heat and chemical signatures of Metallo’s kryptonite. Winn continued to watch her for a moment longer, but eventually he returned his focus to his tablet and resumed his work. Alex shut her eyes and tried not to audibly sigh in relief when Winn’s attention was no longer focused on her.

She stared at the screen, and found the edges of the images blurring as she began to lose the focus of her vision. Sounds around her were beginning to fade out as she slid further inside her own mind, letting the still lingering alcohol dull her senses. She wasn’t really aware of time passing, it seemed to slow as she slipped further into a trance. As she sat, however, the world continued to spin and the events continued to unfold around her.

“Alex!” Winn yelled. Alex jolted in surprise, and tumbled from her chair, landing on her ass. She looked as though she’d been woken from a deep sleep, gaping and searching for the source of the noise. She looked up and saw Winn eyeing her with barely contained irritation.

“Why are you shouting?” Alex said, her cheeks burning red in embarrassment as she pulled herself off the floor.

“Because I called your name three times and you didn’t hear me.” Winn said, watching the whole scene play out, and Alex could see an element of concern growing in his eyes. She fought the urge to scream. People judging her, giving her nasty looks, openly challenging her; all of that she could deal with. All she had to do was assert herself, she was sufficiently intimidating when she let murder into her eyes, and they would back off. What she couldn’t handle was people worrying about her. It made her feel like she was disappointing them, and that was never something Alex knew how to cope with.

“What do you want?” She said gruffly, hoping if she was abrasive enough, he would go back to being annoyed with her instead of worrisome.

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing here?” Winn asked, bringing up the numbers of the chemical signature for Metallo’s synthetic kryptonite. Alex looked at the numbers he had called attention to, and she tried to make them make sense. She really tried, though the sleepy haze that had been settling over her brain before was still there. Then it hit her. The half life of the kryptonite was rapidly decreasing.

“Oh no,” she whispered. Then in a louder voice she said, “Supergirl. Do you read?”

“I’m here.” Came the response over the com. “I’m at the location, I’m doing aerial recon before I approach the building.”

“There’s a problem, a big one.” Winn said, voice urgent. “Metallo’s kryptonite is dangerously unstable. It’s half life is diminishing exponentially.”

“What does that mean?” Kara asked.

“It means the kryptonite is going to explode,” Alex said, “It’ll be a big enough explosion to take out four city blocks. But it’s also going to release a cloud of kryptonite dust. It’ll kill you, Supergirl.”

Kara was quiet for a few seconds, but then she asked, “How long do I have?”

Alex looked at the equations in front of her, and tried to make the answer to Kara’s question come to her. She blinked furiously, demanding of her brain that it shake off the daze it was shrouding itself in. She analyzed what she could make sense of, and said, “Right now, about sixteen minutes.”

“What?” Winn said, scrambling through numbers on his tablet. “Alex, no, that’s not- Supergirl you’ve got nine minutes, but that number could keep changing, the half life is decreasing so fast. The element is going to destabilize almost faster than we can calculate. You need to get Lena and get out of there. Fast.”

“Lucky I can do fast.” Kara said. They heard the rushing of wind flying over Kara’s mic, and then it stopped short as Kara must have landed.

Winn pulled the microphone away from his mouth again, and this time he did more than look at Alex. In a quiet but serious voice, he asked, “Alex, do you need to sit this one out? That’s the second calculation you’ve gotten tripped up on.”

“I’m _fine_. Why does everyone keep thinking I can’t do my job?” She snarled. Fear was beginning to prickle at her senses. This was like an anxiety dream come to life, with everyone doubting Alex’s ability to do her job, as though it wasn’t one of the most vital parts of her life.

“Look, I know you’re my superior, and I can’t tell you what to do. But I really think you need to go get a cup of coffee or something.” Winn said, pleading with her to heed his advice.

Alex stood from her chair, and if she had been glaring at Winn earlier tonight, now she was eviscerating him with her eyes. She said, “You’re right. You can’t tell me what to do. But I can tell you what to do. And I’m telling you now you’re off this mission. Give me your com.”

For a second, only shock registered on Winn’s face. Then set in the indignation as he shut his mouth, literally and figuratively, and pulled the com from his ear before dropping it on the desk nearest to him. He shook his head and walked out of the tech room.

Alex watched his form disappear for a moment, then she refocused herself and began listening to the sounds coming from Kara’s mic, needing to regain control of this situation. At that moment, J’onn stepped into the tech room and asked for an update. Alex relayed all the information she knew as quickly as she could, while trying to listen to Kara at the same time.

Kara was talking to Lillian Luthor, and it sounded like she had everything under control. But then something must have happened to change that, because the next thing Alex heard was Kara screaming. A chill ran up Alex’s spine as she heard the sounds of Kara’s pain. Over Kara’s cries, Alex heard a voice that had to be Lena’s shout out, “No! Don’t hurt her!”

Alex turned to J’onn and when he saw the look on her face he immediately asked, “What’s happening now?”

“J’onn, she’s in pain. She needs help, I don’t know what they’re doing but if they’ve found a weapon that can hurt her she needs backup.” Alex said, and the pitch of her voice rose as the fear also rose in her system.

J’onn nodded, and with a series of red flashes across his skin, his true form as a green Martian presented itself. He took off from the balcony, and into the night sky after Kara. Alex watched him go, and returned to focusing on the com. The roiling in her stomach was returning as she listened to Kara screech in pain. Tears were beginning to slide down her cheeks. It was way too long before she finally heard J’onn reach the fight. He wasn’t as fast as Supergirl after all. But he did get there, and the screaming stopped, and Alex felt the vise around her chest release a little of its pressure.

“Lillian escaped.” Supergirl’s voice croaked over the com, raw from screaming. Alex silently mouthed _thank god_ , when she heard Kara’s voice. Not because of what she had said, in fact that was going to cause a problem, but because it meant Kara was alive. And with Kara alive, it also meant Alex had to double down her efforts to complete her mission.

She could feel it spiraling out of control, and she was desperately trying to get it back on track. Kara needed her, Lena needed her, J’onn needed her, and she needed to be able to do this so she could prove herself. Prove that she wasn’t sick, that she didn’t need help, that she could handle everything thrown at her. She frantically assessed the numbers before her, but they were swirling around in a blur now.

“Supergirl, Metallo is reaching critical mass, you need to hurry!” Alex urged, being able to make enough sense of the calculations to know that.

“How much time are we talking here? Because Metallo isn’t really making it easy to get out of here.” Kara said.

“Um, a few minutes I think.” Alex said, chasing the numbers around the screen.

“You think? Alex?” Kara said, hollering over the loud crashes and grunts of what sounded like intense physical combat.

“Just go as fast as you can, Supergirl. I’m looking at the numbers now and it’s less than two minutes.” Alex said.

Through her com she heard more sounds of fighting. She continually ran her eyes over the numbers and watched them dance around on the screen. And in the next second was when she spotted it, her third miscalculation.

“Oh no.” She said, throat seizing in terror. “Oh god. Kara! Get out _now_!”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month! Woops! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Warnings for blood, injuries, alcohol abuse, hospitals, and vomiting in this chapter!

_“Just go as fast as you can, Supergirl. I’m looking at the numbers now and it’s less than two minutes.” Alex said. Through her com she heard more sounds of fighting. She continually ran her eyes over the numbers and watched them shift around on the screen. And in the next second was when she spotted it, her third miscalculation._

_“Oh no.” She said, throat seizing in terror. “Oh god. Kara! Get out now!”_

“What?” Kara shouted in alarm.

“Kara I was wrong! There’s no time left, you have to go! You have to go now! Right now!” Alex cried, panic spiking through her brain, making her forget to address Kara as Supergirl. Kara didn’t respond, not to Alex, but she did shout to J’onn that their time was up and they needed to leave. Alex listened, waiting for the sound of wind rushing that meant that Kara and J’onn were flying. But instead she was hearing more grunts and punches, and there were half seconds left on the clock.

“Kara!” Alex shouted, but she never got a response. There was silence, then the deafening thunder of an explosion. Alex ripped the com out of her ear, flinching and wincing at the sound. But the horror was settling into her bones when she realized what had just happened, and she scrambled to get the ear piece back in. There was nothing but static.

“Kara! Kara! Can you hear me?” Alex hollered into the mic. Nothing. Static. “Kara, please!” Just white noise and feedback. Alex heaved, actually physically heaved, though nothing came up. She was about two seconds from a breakdown in front of the entire DEO, because the radio silence was screaming _you killed your sister, Alex._

“Kara?” She tried again, voice breaking and pleading. And still nothing. Alex sucked in a huge gulp of air, she did so without conscious thought, as though her body was preparing for the sobs that would wrack her and deprive her of oxygen. But then there was something, and Alex closed her mouth and trapped the air in her lungs.

Crackling through the com, came a voice. “Alex?”

“Oh god, Kara!” Alex cried. “Kara, are you alright? Is everyone-“

“J’onn and I, we’re fine. We made it out before the kryptonite cloud really dispersed. But we didn’t clear the explosion fast enough. Lena’s hurt.” There was a pause, and more static, and something that sounded like crying before Kara continued. “It’s bad, Alex. She’s unconscious. There’s blood, so much.”

“I’m so sorry, Kara. I’m so sorry. Bring her here, bring her to me, I can take care of her.” Alex said, voice hitching as she fought the guilt that crested with another wave of nausea.

“You know you’re too drunk to treat anyone right now, Alex.” Kara said, her words blunt but there was a razor sharp edge to her voice.

“Kara-“ Alex choked out. Kara interrupted her there, and what Alex would have followed with was a mystery to Alex herself.

“We’re almost at the hospital. Go home, Alex. Sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Kara spoke with finality, and then there was nothing but static again.

Alex bit down hard on her lower lip, trying hard not to cry in humiliation in front of her coworkers. No one else was equipped with a com right now, so Alex knew no one had heard Kara’s words but her. It didn’t stop her from irrationally fearing that they had somehow heard it anyways. And suddenly she had to get out of there. She turned away from the screens and computers, and looked to her fellow agents. Off to the corner stood Winn. A desperate, fearful look on his face, and Alex realized that without his com, and off the main floor, he would have no idea what happened. Of course he stuck around to find out though, Alex wasn’t surprised.

“They made it out. Lillian Luthor escaped. They’re taking Lena Luthor to the hospital. For tonight, it’s over. Go home, everyone. Tomorrow, we start hunting Lillian and Cadmus again.” Alex addressed the dozen or so coworkers who had been summoned at the late hour to join the rescue mission. She finished her brief speech, then hung her head, and divested herself of her gear, and her com.

She heard Winn calling after her, asking for more information, but she had nothing left she could give with right now. So she ignored him and walked out of the DEO. The night air was bracing, and as if almost killing her sister, the closest thing she had to a father, and an innocent woman wasn’t sobering enough, the fresh air was.

She wasn’t even really aware of what time it was. She checked her watch, read the time on the face of it- 2:43 am- but nothing felt connected to what she was experiencing, not even the hour. Everything seemed so surreal, as if she was in some sort of limbo at the moment. With robotic motions, she hailed a taxi, and climbed in as soon as a yellow cab pulled up to the curb in front of her. As she rode home, her brain began to jumble. It became a mess of oddly sluggish panic, where she was too exhausted to become amped up again right now, but the events of the night replayed in a frighteningly distorted manner.

The cab pulled up to her apartment building, and she dug in her pocket praying to find cash enough for the fare. Sighing in relief when she pulled out a twenty, she tossed it to the driver, unconcerned with her change, and shut the door hard. She trudged inside the building, and up the stairs, stumbling here and there on a step.

When she reached her apartment, she unlocked the door and stepped inside. The loft was empty, and dark. She didn’t turn on the lights. Instead, she decided she didn’t want to be standing anymore. She let her back thud against the door behind her, then simply stopped supporting her weight, and in result slid promptly to the floor.

The first sob hit her when her ass hit the floor. And then she was truly bawling. Her legs were splayed out in front of her, and her arms hung limply at her sides. She was staring around the room in confusion as she cried, not understanding how any of this could have happened.

Eventually her body couldn’t continue to cry, the stress of it unable to be sustained and her eyes no longer able to produce tears. She sat there, staring blankly at the wall opposite her then. She didn’t know for how long.

Finally, she stood. She hauled herself gracelessly from the floor. And then she made a choice. She walked to her cabinet, withdrew the bottle of bourbon, and walked it back over to the couch. She forewent the tumbler, popped the cork out of the top and swigged from the bottle. She sighed in relief as she felt the familiar burn, knowing the numbness that would soon wash over her. She drank again, and again. It stopped burning, and the slight sobriety she had reclaimed earlier faded away with each sip. Soon the whole evening faded, and then her consciousness soon after, as she slipped into a deep, bourbon induced sleep.

* * *

Something was loud. Ungodly loud. And it wasn’t stopping. It was registering in Alex’s brain as a source of annoyance. But it still hadn’t managed to convince her brain to wake up. Not yet. Until all of a sudden, it had, and Alex shot up from where she had lain sprawled on the couch. She flailed as she went tumbling to the floor in the next instant, and just barely managed to avoid hitting her head on the coffee table.

She sat on the floor, slightly dazed. She looked around and was relieved when she saw she had at least made it back to her place last night. She checked her watch, 11:43 am. She groaned, she was so late for work, and she hadn’t called anyone at the DEO. Instead she’d slept drunkenly on her couch.

The loudness hadn’t stopped, but Alex’s brain had recognized the sound by now. Someone was knocking on her door. Pounding on it, and shouting her name. Disgruntled, Alex huffed and pulled herself off the floor. She winced as each banging sound felt as though this person were knocking directly on her skull.

She reached the door, and didn’t bother to check the peephole before ripping it open and shouting, “What?” at whoever she happened to open the door to.

The force of the door opening threw the person outside it off balance as they had leaned forward to deliver another hard knock. Maggie stumbled a few steps over the threshold, and Alex tried to steady her. She wasn’t incredibly stable on her own, though, and the two toppled for a moment, before finally regaining their balance and righted themselves.

Maggie tugged on the sides of her open jacket and cleared her throat. Alex stared at her, and ran her hands through her hair as she did so. She was struggling to put the pieces of last night together in her mind, but she knew it wasn’t good. And she knew that was why Maggie was there now.

Some of it was blurry, she didn’t really remember coming home, or how she ended up on her couch next to an empty bottle of bourbon. She did remember the showdown in the desert, Kara in pain, the synthetic kryptonite, the explosion. And Lena Luthor, who evidently didn’t make it out unscathed, and Alex knew it was her fault.

She rolled her shoulders, Maggie was staring at her, as if waiting for an explanation. Her arms were crossed, and Alex couldn’t tell if the look on her face was disappointment, anger, disdain, or maybe a combination. Whatever it was, she couldn’t take it, and she hugged her abdomen, still dressed in her now rumpled tactical uniform from last night.

“If you came here to make me feel worse about myself than I already do, you can save it, okay?” She said, voice scratchy and eyes bleary.

“Well I can tell you I definitely didn’t come here to indulge in a pity party for you.” Maggie replied, and Alex recoiled.

“Fine. I assume you heard about what happened last night? That’s why you’re here, right?” Alex said, and could feel her hackles raising already.

“I came here because we need to finish talking about what we started last night, before everything went down.” Maggie said, and Alex just blinked. She thought for sure Maggie had come to yell at her for her near fatal errors in judgment last night, maybe even to break up with her.

“What about it? I told you and Kara, I’m fine.” Alex said, her voice carried with it a forced lack of interest, and she shifted nervously where she stood. She realized she hadn’t even invited Maggie inside yet, that she stood a few steps over the threshold and the door was still open behind her. So she ushered Maggie inside, and shut the door. The last thing she needed was one of her neighbors overhearing this conversation.

Once Maggie was fully inside Alex’s apartment, she took a look around. It looked the same as it always did. But it didn’t escape her notice that there lay an empty bottle on the ground by the couch. She walked over to it and picked it up, then turned to face Alex. She held out the bottle, looked at it for a moment, then looked to Alex.

“And I suppose you think it’s fine that you got wasted again after you came home last night? Because you were still drunk when you left the DEO, I have no doubt, but you decided that polishing off the last half of this bottle was what, proof of how _fine_ you are?” Maggie said, watching Alex with sharp eyes.

“I’m too hungover for this shit, Maggie.” Alex grumbled, giving her a dark, irritated expression, and walked away from Maggie towards her bathroom.

Maggie followed after her. “Oh and _that_ means you’re even more fine, right?” Maggie said, and the condescension in her voice made Alex want to cry. She settled for glaring over her shoulder and pointedly rolling her eyes. She walked inside the bathroom, and dropped her pants, then wriggled out of her shirt. She wanted to be out of the sweat and bourbon caked garments. Standing in her underwear, she grabbed a pair of pajamas that she must have tossed on the counter by the sink at some point and pulled them on.

She turned on the tap as she reached for her toothbrush. If Maggie was going to be like this then she needed to get the foul taste out of her mouth in order to deal with her.

As she scrubbed her teeth, she looked at Maggie in the mirror, and the woman’s dark eyes connected with Alex’s. And she thought she saw a trace of guilt in Maggie’s expression, and it just made her feel worse. After all, even if she had ensconced herself in denial, Alex knew she had royally fucked up. And she deserved Maggie’s attitude, if nothing else. She tore her gaze away from Maggie and spit the toothpaste into the sink. She stared at the disgusting, frothy, white blob rather than meet Maggie’s eyes again. But then Maggie began to speak, and she could do nothing but close her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about having a problem. And I’m not judging you for that. I’m just so _pissed_ about the crap you pulled last night, Alex.” Maggie said, voice low and cautious at first, only to crack with ferocity at the end.

Alex wiped her mouth of the toothpaste on it, and turned around. “Look, I know last night was not…good.” Maggie scoffed, and Alex rolled her shoulders, and barreled forward. “It was a shit show, okay? A royal, unprecedented shit show. I get it. I made a mistake. But that doesn’t mean I have a problem. People make mistakes sometimes. I’m fine.”

Maggie looked like she was full of fight and fire and ready to burst with all sorts of arguments. She opened her mouth, and Alex was bracing herself, because the last thing she wanted was to get into a fight with Maggie about this. If she could just make her see, make her understand that she was _fine_. She knew she’d made some bad decisions last night. And maybe she’d been making a lot lately. But it didn’t have to mean anything so dire. It could just mean Alex was a fuck up, something she’d long known about herself after all.

Maggie was poised to argue, but then something seemed to click in her mind. Alex watched a proverbial lightbulb go off, and it dropped a pit of dread in her stomach.

“Get your coat.” Maggie said, determination blazing in her eyes.

“What, why?” Alex asked, knowing this wasn’t going anywhere good.

“We’re going to the hospital. You need to see Lena.” Maggie answered, already walking out of the bathroom and to Alex’s front door.

“What? She won’t want to see me, Maggie.” Alex’s voiced spiked in pitch, rising with panic as she chased Maggie out of the bathroom. “Maggie? Are you listening?”

Maggie whirled around, and there was this edge to her movements. Alex gulped, and wondered if she’d reached the point where she was too much, and not enough, all at once. She’d felt like she’d been teetering on that edge the past few days. And she feared she’d finally toppled over.

“I’m listening, Alex. I hear you every time you say you’re fine. The problem is I don’t think you’re really listening to yourself. Do you even hear how you sound? When you say that? You sound _winded_. Like someone just punched you in the gut, and you want to throw up and you can’t breathe.” Maggie said, gesticulating wildly as she did.

Alex crossed her arms over her stomach, as if to protect it from the figurative blow Maggie had described. “You’re being dramatic.”

Maggie rolled her eyes, and pressed on. “Alex, have you ever had to face any real consequences for the way you drink? Like something that changed you? Or impacted your life? Anything, that gave you any intimation that maybe you should stop?”

Alex gaped at Maggie. Her eyes glazed over, and she drifted into her own head a little bit. Images of drunken mistakes came to her mind, nights spent drying out in a jail cell, mornings waking up next to men that repulsed her, countless other bad choices she’d made. But she didn’t really know how to answer Maggie’s question, because while she had numerous drunken regrets, she couldn’t say any of them had truly changed her life. And maybe Maggie had made her point, in making Alex realize that, but she would be damned if she’d admit that. And she’d be damned if she’d admit to herself that she might have a problem.

She closed her mouth, hugged herself tighter, and looked at her socks. She mumbled something incoherent, and refused to look Maggie in the eye. Maggie approached her, and Alex still couldn’t meet her in the eye. She swallowed hard, not sure if she wanted to hear what Maggie had to say next.

Soft hands landed on her biceps, and squeezed them gently. Maggie’s voice was low and gravelly, soft spoken and intimate. She said, “Look at me, Alex?”

Alex bit her lip, and tried to fight the tears that were starting to build pressure behind her eyes. But she couldn’t resist Maggie, nor refuse her. So she lifted her chin, and finally looked in Maggie’s dark eyes. Maggie smiled then, and nodded. “Do you trust me?”

She asked. Alex nodded immediately. Of course she trusted Maggie, she trusted her with her life. And in a strange way, she felt as though the gravity of this moment warranted the comparison. As though maybe her life really did depend on it.

“Then come with me.” Maggie said. She watched as Alex nodded again. Alex slipped on a pair of sneakers, and grabbed her leather jacket off the floor, where she must have dropped it last night at some point. Together they walked out into the hall, locking the door, and leaving Alex’s apartment behind them.

* * *

The ride to the hospital was silent. Maggie was driving, and Alex was staring out the window, watching the city fly by them. Thankfully, Maggie wasn’t pressing her right now. She needed the quiet to try and pull herself together. Because the closer they got to the hospital, the higher her anxiety rose. She was growing tenser by the second, and she found herself imagining opening the car door, tucking into a roll, and making a break for it.

As the idea rolled around her brain for the fifth time in the short ride, they pulled into the parking garage of the hospital, and Alex knew her chances at a getaway were decreasing. She gripped her hands together, clasping them tightly. She hoped that maybe she could ground herself if she just squeezed them together tightly enough.

Maggie parked the car, and she sat back in her seat. She turned and Alex could feel sharp eyes on her, observing her. She bit her lip, trying not to begin hyperventilating. She looked up then, and big, woe filled eyes stared at Maggie.

“I don’t think I can do this.” Alex said in a whisper.

“I think you can. I think you need to.” Maggie replied, reaching across the console and placing one hand over Alex’s where they were still clasped.

“Okay.” Alex said in a breathy voice, nodding her head up and down with her eyes fixed on their joined hands.

They stepped out of the car and made their way to the hospital’s main floor. Alex watched Maggie, she bypassed the information desk, and marched straight for the elevators. Alex, flummoxed, followed after Maggie.

“You know where we’re going?” She asked, voice low, soft, scared. It had been a long time since she’d been in a hospital, she hadn’t set foot in one since her days of med school. And now she found herself feeling oddly out of place, like she didn’t know how to behave in a hospital setting anymore. Would they get mad at her for speaking too loud?

“Yeah, Kara texted me the room number. And I’ve been around this hospital before.” Maggie said as she pressed the elevator call button. She spoke normally, with no hushed tone, and Alex began to feel a little silly.

“So, she knows we’re coming?” Alex said, this time trying too hard to sound normal. The execution was painful, and Maggie gave her a curious glance.

“Yeah, she does.” Maggie said. They stepped inside the elevator, and Maggie pressed the button for the fifth floor.

“And she’s…okay, with that?” The trepidation was clear.

“She didn’t say anything to indicate the contrary.” Was all Maggie said, and Alex was left the rest of the elevator ride to ponder what _that_ meant. It wasn’t long though, before the doors were opening.

Alex wasn’t sure what she had expected when she stepped off the elevator. Maybe to be confronted with dozens of bloody people, ashen and dour, stretched out on gurneys, while nurses and doctors worked tirelessly to save their lives. She wasn’t sure why, she’d been in ICUs before, she knew how organized and meticulously set up they were. Still, she found herself bracing to walk into a trauma center.

But it was just another hallway, unassuming and small. It led to a little seating area, and then a set of double doors. Maggie walked right over to the double doors, and she put both hands out to push the doors open. She looked over her shoulder, to be sure Alex was still following her. Alex gulped, and she briefly entertained the idea of just turning on her heel and running. She still could. Maggie would never let her live it down, but she could do it.

Maggie seemed to sense this because she turned her whole body, and put her hands on her hips. “You run now, Danvers, and winning my respect back is going to be an uphill battle.”

Alex’s eyes opened wide, and she opened her mouth to deny her cowardly thoughts of fleeing. But she shut it shortly after, knowing full well that Maggie would know she was full of crap. She rolled her shoulders a couple of times, and tried to steel herself. She tilted her head side to side, working out some of the tension that had beset her neck muscles. She realized these were some of the same stretches and exercises she employed before a session at the gym. And it wasn’t lost on her that this might as well be an emotional marathon, so she might as well stretch.

Finally, after shaking out her arms, she stilled herself, and looked Maggie in the eye. She nodded, and Maggie returned the gesture. She turned around again, and this time she did push the doors open. Alex walked through the doors, wide eyed, into the hospital wing.

There were rooms lining the hall, and patients filled most of them. Glass doors separated them from the rest of the world. Some had curtains drawn that prevented anyone from seeing into the room. Alex figured it was probably to provide privacy against people like her, who gawped awkwardly into every room she passed. She knew it was invasive, and she tried to keep her eyes straight ahead, but she was failing miserably.Even as a student she’d had a bad habit of peeking into patient’s rooms as she walked down the hall.

They walked past the nurse’s station. There were several people, mostly women, dressed in scrubs, typing into computers and bustling about. Alex settled for staring at her shoes. She stumbled after Maggie, feeling like an interloper. Maggie stopped abruptly, and Alex bumped into her back. She looked up and saw the reason Maggie had stopped.

Kara was standing in the hallway, no longer in her super suit, but instead a pair of yoga pants and a grey sweater. She had donned her glasses as well. Kara gave Maggie a small smile, and then she saw Alex. The smile faded, and her brow furrowed deep with worry. Alex watched as the infamous crinkle appeared between Kara’s eyebrows. She folded her arms around herself and ducked her head, not able to bear the worried, disappointed look in Kara’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” Kara spoke, and Alex thought for a moment she might choke on the lump in her throat, because that same concern and disappointment were leaking out of Kara’s voice and Alex just couldn’t handle it.

She stared at her shoes, and mumbled, “Me? You’re worried about me?”

“Well, yeah. You were wasted. So, are you okay?” Kara asked again. And she was mad, and hurt, and Alex knew it. Kara never hid her emotions well. But she was still concerned about Alex, she still cared about her, and Alex honestly had no idea how to process that.

She looked up, trying to pretend she was brave to people who knew she was a coward. “Um, I’m fine.”

“Good.” Kara said. And she meant it, sincerity and relief evident in her tone. But it shifted drastically into a hard, severe edge when she continued. “Now you can tell me what the _hell_ you were thinking.”

“Kara…” Alex said pitifully, trailing off knowing she couldn’t really defend her actions.

Kara persisted. “You knew you were drunk. You knew you were making mistakes. Winn tried to tell you, you benched him. Now Lena is hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex said, voice tight as tears swam in her eyes. Her arms hugged her chest tighter and her shoulders were drawn taut, high near her ears.

“Tell Lena.” Kara said. She gestured to the room behind her, and Alex followed her motion with wide panicked eyes.

For a moment, she froze, every muscle in her body locked. But then she felt the warm, insistent press of Maggie’s hand on the small of her back. She snapped her gaze to look at Maggie, who nodded at her. “You can do this, Alex.”

Alex took one tentative step forward. Then another, and another, until suddenly she was confronted with the glass door to Lena’s room. She stared at it for a long moment, before taking a deep breath and sliding it open. She stepped inside the room, but didn’t pull back the curtain that had been drawn between the bed and the door. She cleared her throat, and was about to ask for permission to come inside the curtain, when she heard a voice. It was raw and scratchy, and spoke low.

“Kara, is that you?”

“Ah, no. This is her sister, Alex.” She said, timidly.

“Oh.” That was the only response she got.

“Could I come in?” Alex asked, noting the definite squeak to her speech.

There was quiet for a moment, but then a reply murmured in the affirmative. So Alex pulled back the curtain, and stepped further into the room. The sight that greeted her almost knocked her over backwards.

Lena Luthor lay in a hospital bed. A clean white sheet was tucked over her. There were swaths of bandages up and down her arms and hands. But what truly knocked the wind out of Alex was the woman’s face. Her hair was limp, and Alex could see patches where clumps of dried blood had formed knots. A bandage was wrapped around her head. It reminded Alex of the bright neon sweatband she wore over her forehead when she went out jogging as a teenager, except this was white gauze. And most alarming of all, were the many angry red lines crisscrossing Lena’s visage, and the dark purple bruises, swollen and blotchy, puffing up her face. Dark circles had formed under her eyes, which were bloodshot and red rimmed. Several of the slashes on her face looked jagged and deep, requiring multiple stitches. Little black railroad tracks across her flesh.

Alex knew she was staring, and she tried to reign in her horror. But she was unsuccessful, because Lena gave her an impressively fierce stare for a woman who looked as though she’d lost a fight with a jungle cat.

“Shrapnel.” Lena said, and though her voice trembled a little Alex still marveled at her strength.

“I’m sorry.” Alex blurted out. She clamped her jaw tight after that, and settled for staring at her shoes rather than Lena’s face. She could feel Lena’s eyes on her, but she didn’t want to look up. She didn’t know if she could ever face Lena again, not with this guilt settling in the core of her.

“And what, exactly, are you sorry for?” Lena asked. Alex honestly wasn’t sure if Lena knew about Alex’s role in her injuries, or if she was genuinely inquiring as to why Alex would be apologizing. Her tone was cool, and expressed with a blunt affect, and if there was an element of disingenuousness, Alex didn’t know.

“Because it’s my fault.” Alex finally replied. Whether Lena knew already or not, she figured she deserved an acknowledgement of that, at least.

Lena was quiet for a moment, then finally she asked, “How on earth is this your fault?”

She was so clearly confused, and then something dawned on Alex. As far as Lena knew, Kara and Supergirl were two separate people. And Alex was a member of the FBI, not the DEO. Kara never explained to Lena just exactly what had happened last night, and Lena had no idea just what Alex had done. An uneasy nervousness creeped up Alex’s spine and left a feeling of nausea bubbling in her stomach.

She had no idea how to proceed. She couldn’t tell Lena Kara’s secret. That wasn’t her place. But what was she supposed to do? Lie to the woman who was lying in a hospital bed, half shredded by shrapnel because of her own drunken mistake?

She was floundering. She had finally pulled her chin up to look Lena in the eye, but her mouth was opening and closing as she tried to come up with any way to explain this. A fresh surge of nausea rolled in her gut as she searched Lena’s face, eyes roaming over each gash and stitch.

Behind her, the sound of a curtain swishing caused Alex to jolt and whirl around. Kara walked into the room with a tray of food clearly supplied by the hospital. She set it down on the table next to Lena’s bed, and took Lena’s hand in her own. Alex watched as Kara caressed Lena’s hand so gently, careful of the woman’s fragile skin. Lena looked at Kara, and Kara smiled back at her, and Alex wondered how she’d never noticed the way they regard each other before. Lena’s eyes were full of adoration, and Kara’s seeped tenderness.

“Oh.” Alex said, as though dumbfounded and suddenly enlightened at the same moment.

Kara looked up at her, and the tender expression left her. Replaced instead by exhaustion. She ran a hand through her hair, the one that wasn’t still holding Lena’s, and said, “Look, I appreciate you coming by, Alex. Lena needs to rest though, and I don’t want her lunch to get cold.”

Alex took it for what it was, an escape. Kara had to have been listening in the hallway, using her super hearing to eavesdrop. And Alex would be offended, if she hadn’t caused this whole situation in the first place. She nodded solemnly to Kara, then offered Lena a feeble smile, and retreated from the room. As she walked through the curtain, and out the glass door, she overheard Lena say, “Kara, your sister just said the strangest thing to me.”

Alex slid the door shut behind her. She had no doubt Kara would tell Lena what had happened, and she would have to face the consequences of it. Probably soon. Once the door was shut, she took in a heaving, panicked breath. Then another.

Maggie was by her side then, and rubbing her back up and down. “Alex, focus on breathing for a moment. You’re going to start hyperventilating if you don’t calm down a little.”

Alex looked to Maggie, and realized she was half hunched in the hallway, leaning on Lena’s door, and beginning a panic attack. Maggie took Alex’s hand, and placed it on her chest. “Feel my breaths, Alex. In, out. In, out.”

Maggie breathed in deeply, and calmly, and Alex’s hand lifted and fell each time Maggie’s chest expanded with her breaths. Alex locked her gaze on the back of her own hand, on Maggie’s sternum, and concentrated. In, out. In, out.

After a few moments of this, Alex felt her breathing begin to return to normal. She straightened herself as best she could, but still leaned heavily on the door. With watery eyes and a hoarse voice she asked, “Is she going to be okay?”

“Yes. I talked to Kara. She’s definitely going to survive.” Maggie answered softly. “But she’s going to have a lot of scars.”

“Her face though…” Alex croaked out, and it felt like a protest, as pointless as it was to argue against this. The nausea was beginning to roil in her.

“Yeah. I mean, the plastic surgeons did the best they could, but on her face too.” Maggie said gravely.

This was all Alex’s fault, and knowing that flopped her stomach over and over. And suddenly there was bile in Alex’s throat, and she was dashing for the nearest garbage can. Maggie followed after her, and held Alex’s hair back as she heaved into the trash. A nurse approached them, and Alex heard Maggie explaining what was happening, to a degree, to the concerned woman as Alex continued to empty what little she had left in her stomach.

Eventually, there was nothing left, and the heaving stopped. Alex stood and rested against the wall, eyes half closed. She wiped her mouth on the tissue Maggie had grabbed for her, though she didn’t see when.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and Maggie’s words from earlier came back to her. _Have you ever had to face any real consequence for the way you drink?_ Her breathing was ragged, and for a moment she thought she might begin to retch again.

She looked up at Maggie, and sniffled over the tears that were starting to fall. “I think I’m ready to get help.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh BOY has it been a while. I am sorry for the long hiatus. I hope people are still interested in this story!

Alex sat silently in Maggie’s car. She twiddled her thumbs and stared out to the concrete structure of the parking garage. It’s dirty grey appearance felt appropriately bleak after her visit to Lena. Her mouth tasted disgusting after throwing up in the trash can, and she wished she could brush her teeth again. Maggie was on the phone with her boss, telling him she was on her way in. Alex hadn’t bothered to do the same. J’onn knew she had worked until the early hours of the morning last night, he wouldn’t expect her to be in at her regular hour. That and she wasn’t ready yet to face the man after her disastrous mistake.

Alex did her best not to eavesdrop on Maggie’s conversation, and it wasn’t hard as she found her focus on her surroundings slipping. She realized some minutes later that Maggie had hung up the phone and started moving the car. She watched as they maneuvered out of the parking garage, and she felt a small sense of relief at leaving the hospital behind her.

Maggie drove them to the DEO without asking, without either woman saying a word. When they reached the building, Maggie turned to Alex and said quietly, “I’ll pick you up later this afternoon, okay? I have to fill out a ton of paperwork today.”

Alex nodded and murmured a response in the affirmative that was barely audible. She got out of the car and stepped onto the sidewalk. She ran her hands over her hips for a moment in an anxious fashion, and that was when she realized she was still wearing her pajamas that she had thrown on earlier. She groaned, and contemplated walking the sixteen blocks to her apartment. Eventually, however, she just decided to sneak into the locker room and change into her tactical gear before anyone noticed her.

She slipped through the door and started her sneaking. She walked quickly with her head down, but she only made it halfway down the first hallway before she heard someone calling her name. It was a voice she knew too well, and it belonged to a man who wouldn’t be fooled if she kept walking and pretended not to hear him.

Squaring her shoulders and her jaw, Alex turned around to where J’onn was approaching her and aimed for a look of nonchalance as she stood in her pajamas with the scent of vomit still wafting from her.

“J’onn. Good morning.” She said, voice only wavering a little.

“It’s 1:30.” J’onn replied, checking his watch and looking at Alex quizzically.

“Yes. Yes, it is. Afternoon then. Good afternoon.” She amended with an awkward smile. She hooked a thumb over her shoulder and started to say, “I should really-“

J’onn cut her off and said, “Alex, we need to discuss something. Come with me.”

J’onn turned around and began to lead them in a different direction, and when his back was to her Alex’s eyes bugged out of her head. This couldn’t be good, she knew it. She followed him down a couple more hallways until they were in a private area with no one around them.

J’onn turned back to her, and he watched her with a carefully guarded expression. “Alex…” he started to say, and she could see some of his mask begin to crack. He looked scared.

“Alex. I know what happened last night.” He said.

“Right, I know, and I know I made a mistake, a big mistake, but I promise J’onn it’s not going to happen again.” Alex said in a hurried voice, beginning to play with her fingers anxiously.

“I’m going to have to suspend you, Alex.” J’onn said, and the words dropped on her like a hammer to the gut.

“For one mistake?” she cried.

“This wasn’t just a ‘mistake.’ You were drunk, and you nearly killed an innocent civilian as a result.” J’onn looked like he might just be ready to cry, and Alex wasn’t sure who would be the first to tears, him or her.

Her answer came to her in the next moment when she tried to speak and the tears sprang free from her eyes. “Please J’onn. Please don’t do this. I need this job. I know I screwed up, but it’ll never happen again.”

“It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.” He said, quick and angry. He sighed next, and his voice broke a little when he said, “Alex, I don’t want to do this, but you’ve tied my hands. Do you think with any other agent who showed up to work drunk I would even hesitate on this?”

Alex clenched her jaw shut tight and looked away from J’onn, she couldn’t face him. She had to get away from him, she needed a drink now more than ever. She needed to silence her mind, as it was screaming at her, telling her she failed. Telling her she wasn’t good enough. No better way to quiet it than a bottle of bourbon.

“Alex, please don’t do what you’re thinking.” J’onn’s voice cut through her thoughts and she whipped her head to face him.

“Are you reading my mind?” She asked, seething.

“Only because I’m concerned you’re going to hurt yourself. Getting drunk won’t solve this. Please, let Maggie help you. You agreed to go to an AA meeting. Don’t let this stop you. Take this suspension, take this time. Take the time to get better. You can’t be an agent until you’re sober, Alex.” J’onn said. He reached for her arm, but she yanked it away.

She was livid that he was reading her mind, but she was teeming with the stench of his obvious disappointment in her. She couldn’t stand it. And not knowing which emotion was going to win out, she asked, “What if I can’t do it?”

“I know you can.” He said emphatically. “You’ve always been a fighter. And you’re not alone. You’ll always have me. And Kara. And Maggie.”

“If Kara ever forgives me.” Alex said, taking a shuttering breath.

“She already has. But she’s scared. She just wants you to be okay.”

“Did she tell you that?” Alex whispered, once again unable to meet J’onn’s gaze and now looking at her feet.

“This morning.” He replied. “Maggie and Kara came to me, we talked, we all want you to help you.”

Alex wasn’t sure what to say to that, a petulant part of her wanted to insist further that she didn’t need help. To take back her promise to go to AA. She whispered, “Yeah, okay,” though there wasn’t a lot of heart to it. She let J’onn pull her into a hug, but she stayed stiff in the embrace. He let her go, and with a mind growing foggier and foggier by the second, she turned down the hallway to get away from him and her failure.

* * *

Maggie clicked on yet another link that had popped up in her search results. It led her to a blog that was run by a woman who was married to a recovering alcoholic. Maggie had already researched extensively that afternoon varying treatments for alcohol addiction, where she could find local AA meetings, and now she was looking into advice from people who’d helped support an alcoholic.

She glanced at her paperwork sitting beside her and felt a pang of guilt at neglecting it, but she still had a couple of hours in the work day. She turned her attention back to the blog, and began sifting through some of this woman’s proffered advice. As she scanned the information, something stood out to her.

The woman went into detail explaining why it was fruitless to confront an alcoholic about their problem while they were drunk. They could get easily agitated, and they most likely wouldn’t retain much of what was said to them anyways. Maggie chewed on her lip and thought back to the conversation they’d had with Alex the previous night. She swiped a hand down her face and began to feel frustration bubbling up in her. Frustration with Alex for some of the choices she’d made and frustration with herself for not knowing about this before she and Kara had confronted a drunken Alex last night.

She brushed her hair back with her hand and blew out a huff of air. She couldn’t change what had already happened, but she could keep pushing forward. As long as Alex started pushing with her. She finished skimming through some of the other advice the woman offered, then closed out all her tabs and finally picked up her stack of paperwork.

After about twenty minutes had passed, and Maggie had made it through a few forms, her cell phone began to ring. She looked at the screen of her phone and saw Alex’s name lighting up across it. She swiped to answer the call, and pressed it to her ear.

“Hey. Is everything okay?” She asked, already starting to get a sense that something was off.

She heard a hiccup on the other end of the line, and her stomach dropped.

“No.” Alex stated simply in answer.

“What happened, Alex?” Maggie cried, voice low and soft but aching in her throat.

“I got suspended. J’onn benched me. And I-“ Alex hiccupped again, and Maggie’s face crumpled.

“Where are you?” Maggie asked, tucking her paperwork in her filing cabinet and grabbing her keys.

“You’re going to get mad.” Alex said in a mumble so quiet and slurred Maggie had to take a minute to figure out what she had said.

“Alex, I’m not going to lie to you, I am definitely upset with you right now. But more than anything I want to help you. Please let me. Where are you?” Maggie said, as she made her way down the stairwell of the station to get to her car in the underground garage.

Another hiccup, and then something that could have been a sob, and finally Alex admitted with shame in her voice, “The bar.”

“Don’t go anywhere, okay?” Maggie said as she rushed a little faster. She tried to take care not to trip on the steps while moving her feet as quickly as she could.

Alex didn’t say anything after that, and Maggie lost the signal in her phone as she descended underground. She hopped in her car and sat heavily in the seat. She stopped for a second to collect herself. She dropped her head back against the rest and took a few moments to take a deep breath and calm down.

“ _Damn_ it, Alex.” She hissed out, and gave her steering wheel a cathartic smack. She gulped in another deep breath, then put the key in the ignition.

When she got to the bar she parked her car swiftly, and climbed out. She marched inside. Most of the nightly crowd hadn’t shown up yet, it was only early afternoon. It made it easy to spot Alex. She was slumped over the bar, clutching a beer bottle in one hand, and with her face buried in the crook of the other arm’s elbow.

Maggie approached her, and said as calmly as she could, “Alex. Get up.”

Alex jumped at the sound of Maggie’s voice and almost toppled off her stool. She took one look at Maggie and instantly began to frantically apologize. Maggie hadn’t realized how stony her expression had become, but she got a sense for it when she took in Alex’s stumbling apology. She tried to release some of the tension from her muscles as she listened to Alex.

“I’m sorry! I was waiting for you, and I just couldn’t sit at the DEO anymore with everyone looking at me. I’m so sorry.”

“Alex, it only took me twenty minutes to get here. You’ve definitely been here longer than that.” Maggie said, unimpressed.

“I didn’t want to bother you, I was going to go for a walk, and clear my head before I called you.” Alex said, now slurring her words a little.

“So, you walked to the bar.” Maggie supplied, crossing her arms.

Alex nodded mournfully. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t wait there anymore. And you were at work, and you were going to be another few hours and I just, they were all looking at me!”

“Oh, so this is my fault?” Maggie asked, quickly losing her patience.

“No!” Alex insisted, and she reached out for Maggie’s arm, but her depth perception was a little off and she groped around empty air for a second. “But I just couldn’t stay there with everybody knowing what I did, what’s wrong with me.”

“They don’t know.”

“What?” Alex seemed mystified.

“Well, Winn knows, we couldn’t avoid that. But J’onn and Kara covered for you. The rest of the DEO thinks you’re taking a sabbatical because your aunt is sick.” Maggie explained.

“But I don’t have an aunt.” Alex said, her eyes starting to glass over as she seemed to get more lost in her stupor.

“Well it’s a cover story, by definition it’s not true.” Maggie said, her voice deflating as her stamina for getting through this day all but vanished from her.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I screwed up.” Alex said, and judging by the haunted look Maggie could see in her eyes, she didn’t just mean her afternoon foray to the bar.

“Yes. You did.” Maggie tried not to be too curt, but she didn’t know what else to say. Alex had certainly screwed up.

“I’m sorry.” Alex whispered yet another time.

“I know.” Maggie said with renewed tenderness. “Now you’ve got to prove it. Come with me. You’re going to sober up, and then I’m taking you to an AA meeting. There’s one tonight.”

Alex’s lip trembled, and she couldn’t seem to bring herself to say anything, so instead she nodded. Maggie extended her hand, and Alex slipped her own into it. Maggie placed a delicate kiss to the crown of Alex’s head, needing to bring some affection to this broken woman even if she was still so angry. She had to lean up on her tip toes to do it, and it garnered a little smile from Alex.

She tugged gently on Alex’s hand, and led her out of the bar.


End file.
